Role

Chapter 17

Mattias, forgive me please for the life I lead. I know this is not the path
you would have walked should you have lived. I am not the person that you were.

I recall the words that the Immortal Voice of the village, Yean, spoke
to me, about my ability to inspire and to console these fierce villagers. I did
not understand them then, but I think I gain some little insight as life goes
on. I must change somewhat, though I cannot, I must learn to grow despite my
everpresent despair. My beloved, please forgive me, I must live this life, and
wait until my meandering path reaches its end before we might see each
other again.

When I was young, the memory of my pain still fresh, I hoped and I prayed that
the end would quickly come. It has not, and I realize that it is not my
fate to be so blessed. It will come for in its time, and I must live, if
only to honor my love, not invalidate it. My Mattias, you inspire me even now
through the death and the despair, the war and the flames that are fanned
within me. I must live, for now, that is my fate.

It is so difficult, to muster the courage to face that simple fact.

I must live, and so I should live this life as well as I can. Mattias would
have done so, and lived it better than I. I wish, from time to time, that our
roles were reversed, and I was the one to die in his stead.

Let me finish my tale, perhaps, and through that, there might be some understanding.

My Mattias, they tormented him so, but he did not die at their hands. It was at
the hands of our kindred, a carelessness that is unforgivable, that led to his
merciful release from their torments. The spirit that lived in him struggled bravely,
wanted to live so very much, and endured more than I could have imagined was
possible.

In the end, it was his rescuers who slew him. An invoker, one of the guards who
came so late to try to drive off these beasts, shot cold through his magical incantations.
This cold, what I have since learned to be the cone of cold spell, froze the last
vestiges of life from my poor Mattias' withered form. This carelessness, disregard for
the hurt that can be caused, this showed me the true nature of those who chase
down this power. The taint lives on in them, however pure their intentions.

The shame I bear is that I know I would do the same, and have been careless of
who or what may hear my meagre words. I know that I am no better in my heart
that that which I fight against. How can I be? I betray his memory every time I raise
hand against anyone, against our kin, against those who hold purity and innocence dear.

I cannot help it, I have chosen this path, I will walk it as well as I can.

I am a Defender of the village, and that is the life I have chosen. Please forgive
me my love, I ache to rest in your arms.