Role

Chapter 9

I am a fool. I have lost the thing I most desire. I lost it when I only just
realized. How could I let this happen? How could I let my life fall apart like
this? Am I so worried about others and about the things that have no meaning
that I've lost sight of the things I do? Reality is subjective, sure. No one
disprove that, but that doesn't mean I should live like nothing matters. It
matters to me. And now I've realized what I've always wanted, what I've been
missing. I realize that the one thing I was too afraid to let myself have is the
one thing I needed. And then I found it, but I lost it. I found it, but I lost
it. What kind of fool am I? Intelligent? Ha! I'm not intelligent.

I am in less danger than anyone I know. More people trust me than anyone I know.
I have a lot of power, and yet, I don't care. It doesn't matter to me. I can
make those I don't care about think whatever I want about me. I have total
control, but what about the people I -do- care about? What about them? I was
never supposed to care about anyone, and then I did, and now look at me.

Nothing else matters anymore, nothing at all. The manipulations don't matter.
The chaos doesn't matter. Philosophy, learning, talking, entertaining, humor,
none of them matter without you. I am a fool. I love you, and I lost you. I
would give you anything, but I didn't see it soon enough. I didn't realize it
soon enough, and then Zaphie came back, and I got confused, and now I have to
break three hearts, instead of just one. I yearn for you, ache. I need you.
You are all I want. You are my life, my everything. I would give anything just
to have you back. I would give you my life, my body, and my soul. I will wait
for you, faithfully, forever. I am in love.