Here are the stories from the March Short Story Contest for your viewing pleasure if you missed out! They were some funny ones indeed!
***The Stupid Elf and the Spring of Wishes by Quorzen***
Quorzen says 'Hayep, everyone. This'n bein' a story about a stupid little elf.'
Quorzen says 'So.'
Quorzen says 'Once upon a time there be a damn prissy little elf livin' in Darsylon.'
Quorzen says 'And this elf were a right stupid grubber like all damn elves be, and he got stupid ideas up in his stupid
elf head what weren't gods damned sensible.'
Quorzen says 'See, this elf wanted to make a name for himself and go down in the history books.'
Quorzen shakes his head.
Quorzen says 'So one day he's prancin' around all elf-like in the forest doin' whatever elves do and this red-eyed
raven flies up to him and lands on his shoulder.'
Quorzen says 'And the raven tells him about a magic spring on a mountain what grants wishes to those who drink from
Quorzen says 'And the stupid little elf thinks to himself that he's gonna go drink up the spring and his wish will be
that there's no more evil in Thera, and they gonna make him Marshall of the Fortress and that's how he makes his name.'
Quorzen says 'Soundin' like a good idear already.'
Quorzen says 'His folks say, No ye stupid little elf, I ain't think that's a good idea, but he don't listen.'
Quorzen says 'Only problem is the mountain is east of Arkham and he's all the way in Darsylon.'
Quorzen points vaguely east toward Arkham.
Quorzen says 'So he sets off for Arkham, but no sooner'n he's in Galadon than he's gettin' kind of hungry, and he
forgot to bring any gold cause he's such a stupid little grubber.'
Quorzen says 'But he sees a berry pie sittin' in Market Square all free-like, and he asks some folks, is this yer pie?
And they all say no so he eats it.'
Quorzen says 'But it turns out it was poisoned by a thief and he dies.'
Quorzen says 'But he reforms in Galadon, and he's so powerful stupid that he just decides to keep goin'.'
Quorzen clucks his tongue.
Quorzen says 'So he sets foot on the Eastern Road and no sooner'n he does but he gets jumped by an orc who lops off his
head with a big old axe and he dies again.'
Quorzen says 'But he just keeps goin', and as soon's he sets foot on the Eastern Road again he sees the orc eatin' his
brains and he's disgusted and pukes so hard that he dies again.'
Quorzen says 'Skippin' a couple other such incidents for brevity, he keeps goin' and makes it to Hamsah, buys a raft,
sets off for Arkham, gets jumped by pirates, eaten by a squid, drowns, and dies again.'
Quorzen flails around, possibly trying to pantomime a squid.
Quorzen says 'But he's still determined, so he decides to just book passage on a ship, and he does, and he's nearly
there when on the last night one of the other passengers comes into his cabin all seductive-like.'
Quorzen says 'And they lie together out a wedlock like a bunch of sinful grubbers and it turns out she's a succerbus
and she steals his soul out through his pizzle and he dies again.'
Quorzen says 'Lotta elf corpses everywhere and there ain't much a him left by this time. He hears the banshees wailin'
Quorzen says 'But this time he reforms in Arkham, and he makes it almost ter the mountain when he realizes he caught
the lady pox from the succerbus in his nether regions and his pizzle falls off and then he dies again.'
Quorzen says 'But he just keeps goin', because he knows that if he can just get to the spring he can wish that
everything go back the way it was.'
Quorzen says 'Skippin' when he falls off the mountain and gets eaten by a bear, he actually makes it up the damn
mountain and he drinks from the spring and as ye can guess a whole lotta nothin' happens.'
Quorzen says 'But he looks into the spring and he sees evil all gone from Thera, and he's Marshall of the Fortress and
also King a Darsylon with a buncha kids 'n foxy wives all around him and an attached pizzle too.'
Quorzen says 'And at this time there's an old wise man comin' up the mountain. And the old man explains to him that the
spring don't grant no wishes, it just shows ye what the world would be like if yer wishes came true.'
Quorzen says 'And the elf asks the old wise man, what do ye see when ye look into the spring? And the wise man says, I
see the world exactly as it is, because I ain't got no wishes and no regrets.'
Quorzen nods wisely.
Quorzen says 'And the elf asks how can that be?'
Quorzen says 'And he says, it's because when I was yer age, I wrote a letter to QUESTIONS FOR QUORZEN, THERA'S FOREMOST
ADVICE COLUMN, and he told me all the life advice I'd ever need.'
Quorzen gives a grotesque wink.
Quorzen says 'And I listened to him because I'm so wise, and my life went perfect from that day on.'
Quorzen says 'And he reached into his pocket and handed the stupid little elf a business card, exceptin' the elf
couldn't take it because he were so ashamed of how pissin' stupid be been that he collapsed and died again.'
Quorzen says 'But it looked a little somethin like this.'
Quorzen drops a neat but plainly written letter.
Quorzen says 'Look but don't touch.'
Quorzen says 'And if ye want to be wise like the wise man, remember that name 'n tell all yer friends, and don't take
life advice from ravens what anybody can see don't got yer best interests in mind.'
Quorzen says 'Questions for Quorzen, solvin' all yer stupid petty life problems free a charge.'
Quorzen says 'Thank the gods fer me.'
Quorzen harrumphs and dusts off his hands, obviously finished.
***The Great Downfall by Tyiquazza***
Tyiquazza says 'It was close to dawn already when the work was finished. Through the night, the slaves '
Tyiquazza says 'have toiled to dig through the rubble left behind the complete destruction of once-beautiful'
Tyiquazza says 'city of elves. No survivors have been discovered, and none were expected, really, '
Tyiquazza says 'as the Great Magister of Drel'ark himself has unleashed the power of his house upon the '
Tyiquazza says 'long-eared infidels. No living soul could have survived the violent torrent of his mix of '
Tyiquazza says 'Chaos and Forbidden magic. All the gold and platinum and riches dug out, the caravan was '
Tyiquazza says 'loaded and ready. Suddenly, a loud shout went out from the former center of town.'
Tyiquazza says 'Curious, the Great Magister went over to inspect the source. Half dug-out, a head of some '
Tyiquazza says 'sort of statue was visible, with the slaves working hard to finish digging it out. '
Tyiquazza says 'The Great Magister noticed a curious detail - the statue's eyes seemed somehow alive even '
Tyiquazza says 'when they were clearly chiseled out of stone, as well as the rest of the statue. '
Tyiquazza says 'Closing his eyes, the Drel'ark gathered his Magical energy and uttered '
Tyiquazza says 'the spell of Inspection at the statue, feeling something absorb his magic and '
Tyiquazza says 'never provide anything back. No feeling of any kind, not anything he has '
Tyiquazza says 'encountered before. The Inspection never failed, always providing a material,'
Tyiquazza says 'any signs of life and all the properties of the inspected item. Not in this case, however.'
Tyiquazza says 'His curiousity spiked, he weaved a channel of fire and poured it in a faint stream '
Tyiquazza says 'straight into the stony eyes. Somehow they gave back an impression of glowing, but '
Tyiquazza says 'otherwise the statue seemed utterly unfazed. Increasing the power of the stream, '
Tyiquazza says 'the Great Magister started to become irritated. Nothing seemed to happen except his'
Tyiquazza says 'magical power get absorbed by this stupid thing. Weaving all five elements together '
Tyiquazza says 'plus a touch of Chaos, he hurled what should have blown the statue to smithereens '
Tyiquazza says 'towards it, feeling only the loss of his power and nothing else. The statue stood'
Tyiquazza says 'intact, the eyes still feeling alive. Gathering all the power he could and drawing '
Tyiquazza says 'upon his ancient implement, the Talisman Of Chaos, he unleashed all his considerable'
Tyiquazza says 'energy at the ancient statue, only feeling himself dissipated and spent with nothing'
Tyiquazza says 'to show for it. Now, what happened next can only be gathered from the surviving '
Tyiquazza says 'witnesses. The Great Drel'ark was visibly sucked into the statue with his cries loud and'
Tyiquazza says 'his talisman crackling. He was never seen again and the statue has quickly dissolved into '
Tyiquazza says 'the ground. Hence ended a long history of knowledge, now forever lost to Drel'ark. '
***Snow-Folly by Kanlax***
Kanlax says 'Ahem... Two frost giant hunters were travelling through the tundra, towards the north, where the great
coast of the frozen sea lay, forever bound in ice.'
Kanlax says 'As it is almost always in that region, the weather was terrible. It was cold, snowing, and both of the
hunters were getting hungry by the time they reached the coast.'
Kanlax says 'They did not want to return to camp without a catch, yet the ice was so thick it was impossible to break a
hole in it to fish. But luckily for them, they spotted a huge, fat walrus resting in the snow.'
Kanlax makes a gesture as if showing the size of something.
Kanlax says 'Big walrus'
A wry little smile crosses Kanlax's face.
Kanlax says 'Readying their spears, they charged the beast, and in a brave fight they defeated it, netting a whole ton
of meat to bring back to the camp.'
Kanlax says 'Of course, burdened by the beast's heavy weight, it was a long walk, and the walrus' tail was slippery and
difficult to drag it by.'
Kanlax says 'Soon as they traversed the tundra and entered the snowy forest, they heard a call from up a tree. "Hey!"'
Kanlax says 'They looked up and saw a pixie perching on a branch.'
Kanlax says '"You're silly!", the little creature mused. "Who drags that carcass by its slimy slippery tail! Grab the
tusks and it'll be easier!"'
Kanlax says 'And indeed, they tried it and the walrus' carcass was much easier to drag by its tusks, so they did for
the next half-hour.'
Kanlax says 'One frost giant then stopped and said to the other: "Hur hur! See how smart dat little wretch is!"'
Kanlax makes his best impersonation of a gruff giant voice.
Kanlax says 'The other just looked forward pensively, and then exclaimed in anger: "Bah, stupid yer bloody pixie be!
Look, we back at the coast again!"'
Kanlax says 'Moral...'
Kanlax says 'Listen to advice, but don't leave your own smarts at home when following it.'
Kanlax says 'The end.'
***Duh elfie frum Darsylon! by Zugnu***
Zugnu says 'Dis! Dis beh duh story of duh elfie frum Darsylon!'
Zugnu says 'Dis a littul poem ditty meh wrotes.'
Zugnu says 'Der once was an elfie frum Darsylon,'
Zugnu says 'Frum Darsylon? Frum Darsylon!'
Zugnu says 'He wanted tuh go play en avoid all his chores, '
Zugnu says 'He heard der beh cooshies en wild elfies en mores!'
Zugnu says 'Be careful, its dark! his mum did implore,'
Zugnu says 'Buh dis elfie stoopid, him brave en him young,'
Zugnu says 'He tink him duh strongest, him wunt tuh explore!'
Zugnu says 'So off he goes, from Darsylon.'
Zugnu says 'From Darsylon? From Darsylon!'
Zugnu says 'En into duh vale he goes wit a frolic,'
Zugnu says 'Nuh knowin der be orcs, count three alcoholics!'
Zugnu says 'Wit weapuns of iron and bottles of booze,'
Zugnu says 'They swing axes loosely, rampaging through.'
Zugnu says 'Hearing duh orcs, duh scared elfie hides,'
Zugnu says 'En dey wud have but missed him, except for AT-CHOO!'
Zugnu begins to act like a drunkard, swaying before you unsteadily.
Zugnu says 'Eh, Who der? slurs out an orc.'
Zugnu says 'And who could it be, but duh elfie from Darsylon!'
Zugnu says 'From Darsylon? From Darsylon!'
Zugnu says 'Hu hu! Right der! I spy pointy ears!'
Zugnu says 'And without a momunt tuh spare, it is as yuh feared,'
Zugnu says 'Duh elfie was then split, in two, then three!'
Zugnu says 'There soon was no more, yuh cud see of elfie.'
Zugnu begins to cry for the loss of elven meat and blood, wiping several tears in the process with a dirty hand.
Zugnu says 'And dis beh why, nuh childrun do leave,'
Zugnu says 'duh limits of Darsylon, duh elfie city.'
Zugnu says 'And dat concludes the story, of duh elfie frum Darsylon.'
Zugnu says 'Frum Darsylon? Frum Darsylon!'
Zugnu bows deeply.
***Orcish Viability by Aiya***
Aiya says 'There once was an orc who loved blood'
Aiya says 'He drank it all mixed up with mud'
Aiya says 'He thought he was a mage, but he was just soot and rage'
Aiya says 'Mundunugu are knowledged in crud'
Aiya says 'The skrugga just hate to be hit'
Aiya says 'If the battle goes wrong they will split'
Aiya says 'But keep this in mind, do not a skrugga entwine'
Aiya says 'If you grab them, they just throw a fit'
Aiya says 'There once was a mamlauk who heft'
Aiya says 'A club with his right, not his left'
Aiya says 'Sows did not glamorize his arms of varying size'
Aiya says 'And his stony hands left him bereft'
Aiya says 'There once was a shig-ru who kicked'
Aiya says 'The spikes on his boots were quite thick'
Aiya says 'Punting a gnome from behind with those boots was unkind'
Aiya says 'And the hole that it left? Well.. it's sick.'
Aiya curtseys gracefully.
***Day in life of Orc by Garfuka***
In his fury, Garfuka stomps a mighty foot on the ground, causing a small tremor!
Garfuka says 'Day in life of Orc'
Garfuka says 'Just be out'
Garfuka says 'Fighting smelly elves'
Garfuka says 'Get home and theres no food'
Garfuka says 'Moan at sow.'
Garfuka says 'Stupid elves.'
Garfuka says 'Sow wont cook horse'
Garfuka says 'Going on about vegetables Blarg'
Garfuka says 'Shes been listening to'
Garfuka says 'Stupid humans.'
Garfuka says 'Ate sow.'
Garfuka says 'Now Dragons stole my cave.'
Garfuka says 'Killed dragon, ate that too.'
Garfuka says 'Stupid dragons.'
Garfuka says 'Cant eat more dragons.'
Garfuka says 'Chewy, make teeth fall out.'
Garfuka says 'Eat dwarf instead.'
Garfuka says 'Now coughing up hair.'
Garfuka says 'Stupid dwarfs.'
Garfuka says 'Cave smells.'
Garfuka says 'Get new sow'
Garfuka says 'Sow smells.'
Garfuka says 'Stupid sow..... '
In his fury, Garfuka stomps a mighty foot on the ground, causing a small tremor!
Garfuka says 'Moral of story...sows root of all evil'
Garfuka grins evilly.
And as a bonus I created an image from my feeble artist skills to capture what I imagined during this previous performance!
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***Truth is Yours by Saeorad***
Saeorad scratches his head with a confused look.
You music 'There once was a farmer who had a most difficult dilema'
You music 'The answer to which he found he was without a glimma'
You music 'And so to the ends of Thera the man travelled thus'
You music 'For the thoughts in his mind were putting up such a fuss'
Saeorad kneels in the motion of praying.
You music 'At first he went to the Fortress to meet with a knight'
You music 'Who told him in the night he must pray to the light'
You music 'But nothing came back but the empty moans of the wind'
You music 'Such breezes brought air but no wisdom did it lend'
Saeorad flexes his sword in their air while gripping a parchment of laws tight in the other.
You music 'Next he went south to seek out the Tribunal vindicator'
You music 'Who let him know he must seek the law for an indicator'
You music 'The laws he did read all the way from the fron to the back'
You music 'But within them he found in regard to his dilema they lack'
Saeorad rolls around the ground as if upon a bed of leaves.
You music 'At the Outlanders he found a man with leaves in his mane'
You music 'Who let him to lay down in the leaves and forwever remain'
You music 'Without being rude he nodded his head to what was said'
You music 'But laying in grass would solve nothing in his head'
Saeorad bends upon the ground as if shackled and collared.
You music 'The Empire in the east was next to speak with a priest'
You music 'Who told him that slavery to the Empire would bring peace'
You music 'He groveled and said to the recruiter he would attend'
You music 'And ran away quickly lest his family never again tend'
Saeorad mimicis being burnt on the hands with a scared look in his eyes.
You music 'Onward to the Scarab he went to meet with the Flame'
You music 'Who said that lacking Truth was where he was to Blame'
You music 'Such cryptic words and ideas he understood but naught'
You music 'And so nodded his head and ran off before he was faught'
Saeorad stares at the surrounding orcs in a mock fear.
You music 'With all seemed lost he took a chance and spoke to an orc'
You music 'Who don't worry just kill and elf and pretend they are pork'
You music 'The man went pale nodding his head and staring at their pot'
You music 'And ran off quickly thinking it might be next here to rot'
Saeorad places his head on his chin and looks contemplative.
You music 'In the end no answers came from this long trip he lead'
You music 'Except perhaps truth was always alone in his own head'
You bow deeply.
Edited to include broken photo:
#1, (jpg file)