Role

Chapter 4

Well this tattoo is nothing, if not useful, even with me almost never seeing
combat. I so wish I could keep it, so wish I could stay in this religion. It's
so much fun, but I love my wife far too much to risk her unhappiness over my
desires.

The tattoo is useful, though, as it's allowed me to get in on better terms with
the Scions, allowed me to lie to them more easily. I do hate the deception,
though. Farigno says I should be careful about them, lest the Imp's hold on me
become permanent. Of course, it seems like every God is saying something
different. Corrlaan says I just need to live with a purpose, Iunna seems to
think that I'll be able to be with my wife in the afterlife no matter what I do,
Rayihn says it's all up to who represents me, and Farigno says I need to be
completely selfless. This is, of course, overlooking the fact that -no one-
understands Lyristeon. He seems like such a great God, too. Sure, He likes to
create mischief, but He does a lot of good in the world by doing so. He brings
a lot of fun and is able to bring humor to even the saddest situations. I so
wish I could trust Him. I would serve Him and be a model priest if I could but
know for certain that I could be with my wife in the afterlife, but I just can't
risk it. I can't risk my soul.

So, while naturally I cannot exactly trust Farigno, I don't like taking chances
like this, but these Demons, if what Farigno says is true, and I believe it is,
they are -very- bad for this world, and very bad for my wife. I have to stop
them, even if I have to lie, deceive, and manipulate to do it. I'm not good at
much else. Why shouldn't I use my gifts for good? I'm not using them for
myself. I'm using them to try to help the world. Where is the fault in that?
I need to talk to Lord Corrlaan about this.

On a completely unrelated note, Yasmeia seems to have returned, at last, and I'm
finally coming to understand how I really felt about her. I kept telling myself
in the past that she never really meant anything to me, that she was just another
one of my manipulations, but I know now that I was merely deceiving myself. I
really am quite fond of her, so much so that I would mutilate anyone that messed
with her. I would cut off their noses, split their tongues, remove their
eyelids, and let them forever walk around as freaks, loved by no one, because
I care about her just that much. I don't love her like I love my wife, but I do
love her. I could have loved her like I love my wife, I think, and she could
have loved me. She told me the reason she disappeared for so long was because
she -was- falling in love with me, and she knew it was a bad idea, due to her
frequent disappearances. She didn't want to hurt me. I love her all the much
more for that, and in some ways, I'm glad it happened that way. We never could
have worked out, she and I. She's just too Light, and I'll never be. I can live
for my wife, and I can do my best never to make another selfish action, but I'll
never be a Lightwalker, just like I'll never fully be able to supress the chaos
within me, no matter how much I try. It's part of who I am, and I have to accept
it, but it doesn't mean I won't do everything in my power to make sure my Tsyda
is happy. We will be together