...pretty damn good. A very good ending to the Wheel of Time series. Yes, some of how it ended was pretty telegraphed but when a book series has been going for 25+ years, SOMEone is going to guess correctly on how things will end.

I have to say that exactly *how* the ending was achieved was kind of a surprise and done in a cool way.

Non-spoiler quote from a review I read that is filled with spoilers (Leigh Butler's, on Tor.com):

"Lan. ####ing Lan, you guys. He is the Lannest Lan that ever Lanned, and it is glorious, and I can’t even handle it."

The final book has several callbacks to things that seemed extraneous, unneeded, or just downright silly. It answers (obviously) a TON of questions, destroys a ton of theories, and delivers several scenes that fans have been waiting over a decade to see.

To conclude with another quote that fits quite well:
"If you have the means...I highly recommend picking one up."

So, there's this forum out there where some guy who called himself ISAM posted mock summaries of each of the first 10 books (including New Spring, the prequel novel).

I find them absolutely hilarious.

But the forum that used to house them is gone. So I managed to find them via the Wayback Machine at Archive.org (man that's a useful site).

I'm going to post them below for your reading enjoyment. :)

No message

No message

New Spring

Aiel: There he is! From half a mile away! Aan'allein! Well, that about wraps it up for us; let's go home.

Bukama: Arg.

-----------

Gitara: He is born again! I feel him! The Dragon takes his first breath on the slope of Dragonmount!

Moiraine: Too bad she didn't specify when and where the Dragon was reborn.

Siuan: Yes, it's quite a puzzle.

Moiraine: Yes, if only there were some specificity to her comments.

Tamra: To be safe, fill this journal with the name of every boy born in the last ten years from here to the ocean.

----------

Lan: Slowly drifting north.

Bukama: Hm.

----------

Elaida: Good luck on your test. DON'T MESS UP!!! DON'T GET NERVOUS!!!!

Moiraine: I made it.

Elaida: Sh*t.

---------

Moiraine: Dresses, dresses, dresses. Oh, so pretty and frilly. One for balls, and one for summer nights...

Siuan: Cut two leg holes in that sack over there. Fine.

---------

Moiraine: Cadsuane!

Cadsuane: Shut up. What are you doing here?

Moiraine: I hear that Borderlanders make great Warders...

Cadsuane: Shut up. Try any more of your newly-acquired Aes Sedai crap on me, and I'll spank you like a baby. Get me

some tea.

Moiraine: You treat me like a child. I must run away.

----------

Lan: A woman follows us.

Bukama: Buh.

----------

Lan: You! What do you want here!

Moiraine: How dare you! I am a mature Aes Sedai! Now prepare for wasps and nettles.

Bukama: Er.

Lan: Stop laughing, Bukama.

Bukama: Er, er, er.

---------

Edeyn: I wear the special lock of hair. So we must have sex now...

Lan: Well, if you have the lock of hair, I suppose we must...

Bukama: Er.

Lan: Bukama, get out!

Bukama: Ur.

Lan: Aw, Bukama, don't cry.

Bukama: Ur, ur, ur.

---------

Merean: Moiraine. What are you doing here?

Moiraine: Merean. What are you doing here?

Merean: .....I have to go. Go Light.

---------

Moiraine: Siuan, what are you doing here?

Siuan: Waiting for you to fight the Black Ajah.

---------

Lan: With my friend Bukama dead, who will I have such fascinating conversations with?

Nynaeve: Er.

---------

Ryne: I am a better fighter.

Lan: I know. Yet somehow I beat you.

---------

Merean: I am better with the Power.

Moiraine: I know. Yet somehow I beat you.

---------

Moiraine: Merean was Black Ajah. I must destroy evidence of her existence to protect the White Tower. So the Black

Ajah can go about their business, and the other Aes Sedai can pretend they don't exist.

Lan: You are smart. I will be your Warder.

----------

Moiraine: I will learn from Merean. A highly defensive Aes Sedai poking around in a castle where the Dragon Reborn

may be. I'll have to remember that for the future. Hello, Liandrin. What are you doing here?

Liandrin: What are YOU doing here? I have to go. Go Light.
__________________

Why would anyone let these get deleted ever

The Eye of the World

Rand: I'm a young lad from a quaint little village.

Tam: Yes, you are.

Emond's Fielders: Rumors of strange things afoot. Wolves howling. Winds blowing. Trouble a-brewin.' Train comin.'

Egwene: Rand al'Thor! What do you think you're doing?

Rand: Aw, shucks, hi, Egwene.

Moiraine: I am mysterious. You will know all you need to know. The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills.

Thom: I'm an old juggler with a big white mustache.

Trollocs: Oook! Aaak! Errrrr!

Moiraine: Come with me, you three.

Lan: Don't even know how to fight Shadowspawn. Dumb sheepherders.

Rand, Mat, and Perrin: We'll come with you.

Egwene: Me too! Weeee!

Rand: It might be dangerous.

Egwene: Rand al'Thor! You can't tell me what to do!

Rand: Maybe you could tell me what this is all about.

Moiraine: You will know what you need to know. The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills.

Rand: Thanks.

Egwene: This is scary! Rand al'Thor! You got me into this!

Rand: Gee whiz, Egwene.

Moiraine: Dreams can be dangerous. Have you all had any scary dreams?

Mat: I don't know if we can trust Aes Sedai. Let's keep it a secret.

Rand and Perrin: Good idea.

Nynaeve: You are dragging them into some Aes Sedai plot!

Moiraine: Maybe I should have left them to die in Emond's Field.

Nynaeve: We would have been happy that way!

Moiraine: DO NOT go out into Shadar Logoth, or touch anything!

Mat: Let's go out into Shadar Logoth and touch things!

Rand and Perrin: Good idea.

Moiraine: That was dangerous.

Lan: Don't even know how to fight Mordeth. Dumb farmboys.

Egwene: Rand al' Thor! You are a woolhead!

Rand: Holy moley, Egwene.

Mat: I'm sweaty and pale and grabbing my dagger.

Rand: Sounds good.

Thom: I once had nephew Owyn, who died because of Aes Sedai. Now I must go fight a Myrddraal. See you in Book 2.

Mat: I'm still sweaty and pale and grabbing my dagger.

Rand: That's fine. I'll play my flute for our supper.

Lan: Nice tracking.

Nynaeve: I'm secretly blushing.

Perrin: I'm talking to Wolves.

Egwene: I'm dancing with beautiful Aram.

Lan: We must rescue Perrin and Egwene from the Whitecloaks. You must hold my hand. To help the rescue.

Nynaeve: Yes, I must hold your hand. To help the rescue. I hope there aren't spots of color blossoming on my cheeks.

Master Bunt: Legend has it that Tigraine disappeared after the old queen died. Soon after that Luc disappeared into

the Blight, and Taringail died, leaving young Morgase on the throne.

Rand: Couldn't you just leave it all in a big family tree inside the cover?

Master Gill: Legend has it Old Thom was closer to the queen that was proper. Then he disappeared and when he later

returned, Queen Morgase was mad, so he fled the city, a step ahead of the headsman's axe.

Rand: Couldn't you just leave it in a big exposition section inside the cover?

Mat: I'm even sweatier and paler, and more crazy.

Rand: Good work. Well, I have to go meet the royal family.

Elayne: I've got long golden tresses.

Rand: Jinkies, Elayne.

Morgase: This boy is dangerous.

Lord Bryne: Yes, he is.

Elaida: Yes, he is.

Morgase: Good. Let him go.

Gawyn: You look like an Aielman...oh, that's crazy talk. Never mind.

Rand: Okay.

Everyone: Yayyyy! We're all together!

Egwene: You're telling us you talked with the Daughter-Heir! Rand al'Thor! I am making presumptions about you, and

therefore must yell at you. Just wait until Elayne, Nynaeve and I do this for the entire series.

Rand: Gosh, Egwene...

Perrin: We heard a second-hand story about a dying man who said the Dark One means to blind the Eye of the World.

Loial: I heard the same story, from an different second-hand source.

Moiraine: Therefore, we must go to the Eye of the World!

Agelmar: Legend has it that Lan is the last of the Malkieri. You see, two score years ago...

Rand: Couldn't you just add this to the big family tree section in the front cover?

Agelmar: Use a Post-It.

Nynaeve: I have held your hand. I have brought you tea. I cannot shame myself any further!

Lan: I am not emotional. My emotions are cold like a winter blizzard. Loving me is like loving a frozen ice

sculpture. That is why I have fallen head over heels in love with you, and you with me. Now excuse me while I martyr

myself.

Rand: Aginor, being the least significant Forsaken until you are reborn, you are now dead.

Aginor: See you in book 6. I mean, "Noooo."

Rand: You too, Balthamel.

Balthamel: Mmmmph.

Mat: We found some things. Bloody ashes.

Egwene: Matrim Cauthon! You better...

Lan: Here's a gag.

Readers: Yay!

Moiraine: See you in Book 2.

The Great Hunt
Rand: I really should be going.

Lan: Yes, you should. Another lesson?

Rand: Sure.

Lan: This move is called "Ending the Book." Use it in a climactic battle at the end of the book against a bad guy.
-----------------
Liandrin: Soon we will capture al'Thor's friends on Toman Head, and then he will be ours! Then the Great Lord will

rule the known world!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Moiraine: Did you say something?

Liandrin: No. Go Light.
-----------------
Rand: Why haven't you helped me, or talked to me at all?

Moiraine: The best way to help you is to coldly ignore you.

Rand: That frustrates me.

Moiraine: That's because you are stubborn. By the way, you were adopted and are the Dragon Reborn. The entire fate of

the world rests on your shoulders. Now go save the world.

Rand: Could you help me? Or at least give me a family tree?

Moiraine: Can a bird teach a fish to fly?

Rand: Are you the fish?

Verin: Remarkable.
-------------------
Liandrin: Tell me what you know!! Or by the Great Lord, whom I love, I swear I will rip you limb from limb!!

Moiraine: What are you doing?

Liandrin: Nothing. Go Light.
------------------
Verin: 'Daughter of the Night, she walks again.' Lanfear, who was in love with Lews Therin, must be free. She may

well come after him again.

Moiraine: Yes, she must. No point in telling Rand. Now, what other ways are there to tell Rand we can't help him?

Siuan: You can't get water from a stone?

Moiraine: That's a good one! Or is it blood from a stone?

Siuan: You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink?
------------------
Lan: I love you. You take ring. I give you.

Nynaeve: Me like ring.
-------------------
Egwene: Rand al'Thor! Don't you just have a grand opinion of yourself! Just because everyone's trying to kill or use

you, you think everyone's trying to kill or use you. Also, you are woolheaded and being a mule. And a mule-head.

Rand: Egwene, I will miss your neverending yammering.
-----------------
Fain: The dagger is mine! My precious! Er, I mean, it's mine.
------------------
Hurin: Smells bad along this trail of blood that you could follow just by looking at it.

Rand: You have a useful gift for sniffing violence. Too bad we'll never see you again, or think to use you further.
------------------
Ingtar: We must find the Horn. For I must use the Horn to erase the promise I made to the Dark One.

Rand: Did you say something?

Ingtar: No. Go Light.
-----------------
Hurin: You must help us get back to the real world, Lord Rand.

Rand: Stop calling me that. I command you.
-----------------
Ba'alzamon: Join me or I will continue to taunt you until you kill me.
-----------------
Lanfear: I'm just your average flawlessly beautiful woman trapped in an alternate world. This is my disquise, which

is not quite as flawlessly beautiful as I actually am.

Rand: Sounds good to me. Join us.

Lanfear: I like powerful men. My favorite is the Great Lord of the Dark.

Rand: Did you say something?

Lanfear: No. Go Light.
-----------------
Verin: Fascinating.
-----------------
Siuan: We must break through your block.

Nynaeve: &#@&%!

Siuan: Now we're getting somewhere. I've gutted me a tough fish. I've netted a silverpike.

Nynaeve: What are you talking about?

Siuan: I have no idea.
----------------
Rand: I don't what to play your Great Game!

Cairheinin: Oooo, he's good!
----------------
Egwene: Elayne, so you did meet Rand, but I will never apologize to him for accusing him of lying that he met you.

Elayne: I am short with red-gold tresses. I know Rand, and love giving lectures.

Egwene: I am short with dark brown tresses. I know Rand, and love giving lectures. We are now sisters.
---------------
Liandrin: You will come with me. Now get into this sack.

Elayne, Egwene, Nynaeve: We will come with you. And get into the sack.

Min: A voluntary self-sack-putting-into?! No one's leaving ME out!
---------------
Verin: It says "Five Will Ride Forth."

Rand: What does?

Verin: Oh, who the hell knows? Some prophecy somewhere.

Rand: Oh, okay. Uh, Hurin. Come along.
---------------
High Lord Turak: Watch out, because I have long fancy fingernails and partially shaven head.

Rand: I have a Void in my head.
----------------
Ba'alzamon: Ha! Ha! This time it will be different, young al'Thor! NO ONE makes Ba'alzamon look stupid two times in a

row...

Rand: You mean three times in a row?

Ba'alzamon: Yes, I did.
---------------
Moiraine: Luckily, I was here just in time to do nothing.

The Dragon Reborn
Rand: Shouldn't you be helping me figure out what to do?

Moiraine: The Pattern will guide you. You alone must decide what to do.

Rand: What if the Pattern wants me to run off in the middle of the night?

Moiraine: Then I will become furious. Now excuse me, I must speak with a string of incoherent refugees.
---------------
Rand: I'm feeling more and more pressure.

Perrin: That's odd. Must be because you're going insane. I must now be wary of you.
-----------------
Uno: Legend has it the Grey Men are walking around.

Ragan: The Soulless.

Masema: The Shadowsoulled.

Lan: The Shadow-eyed.

Moiraine: The Shadow-walkers.

Min: The Soul Brothers?

Uno: The Soul Masters.

Min: Oh, the Funky Shadow Dancers.

Moiraine: The Dark Soul Chorus.

Lan: The Dark One's Ensemble of Evil-Souled Dark Nightwalkers.

Min: I wonder if they'll show up later in the story.

Lan: Probably not.
----------------
Moiraine: Rand is going after Callandor.

Masema: The Sword That is Not a Sword.

Uno: The Sword That Cannot Be Touched.

Ragan: The Sword That Launched a Thousand Ships.

Lan: The Sword That Looks Like Crystal, but Isn't, Because It's Really Sharp, and Pointy, And Can be Used As a Male

Sa-angreal to Destroy One's Enemies.
-----------------
Verin: I don't want to hear another word from any of you.

Nynaeve: But I'm tired of yanking my braid.

Verin: Try punching yourself in the stomach.

Nynaeve: Ahhh. Thanks.
----------------
Egwene: Tar Valon! Now we can finally get Mat the help he needs.

Verin: In a minute. I must stare at this wall.
---------------
Moiraine: We are all on a sacred mission to protect the world. To do your part to save the world, Perrin, you must

saddle my horse. Also, Perrin, the mission to save the world demands that you do my laundry. And fetch me some

raspberries.

Perrin: That seems unfair.

Lan: Do, it sheepherder.

Perrin: Rand is "sheepherder." I'm "blacksmith."

Lan: Thanks. Do it, blacksmith.
-----------------
Loial: "To anger an Aes Sedai is to bring a mountain down on your head."

Perrin: I'm only questioning her.

Loial: "To question an Aes Sedai is to fall down the mountain enough to get a few cuts and bruises."

Perrin: I'm really only asserting myself.

Loial: "To assert oneself before an Aes Sedai is to stare at the mountain until the glare from the sun causes serious

eye damage."

Perrin: I think you're being foolish.

Loial: "To doubt the word of one warning you about Aes Sedai is to actually name your first child 'Mountain,' and

have that child mocked and derided every day, and called names like 'Big Fat Mountain,' then have that child become a

poorly funtioning adult who works long hours digging mud holes in the fields, and talking to himself."
-----------------
Moiraine: You must tell me things. Perhaps I can help.

Perrin: I talk to wolves.

Moiraine: Good luck with that.
---------------
Egwene: I'm a Dreamer.

Nynaeve: I'm a great Healer.

Elayne: I feel left out.

Egwene: I'm sure we'll find something stupid for you to do, like making ter'angreal.
--------------
Galad: Hey, girls.

Egwene: I hope my skirts are smooth.

Nynaeve: Me too. Smooth skirts are a must in today's world.
--------------
Gawyn: Hey, girls.

Egwene: Where's your brother?

Nynaeve: Yeah, where's your brother?

Gawyn: He's out buying more mirrors. I'll be crying under my bed.
--------------
Elayne: Galad only does what's right, no matter who he hurts.

Egwene: Since he only does right, he only hurts evil people, right?

Elayne: No, he mostly hurts good people. And that's what makes him so perfect.

Egwene: Wow. I wish I could be so perfect.

Elayne: Don't worry, you will be.
---------------
Elayne: I met Rand once. I love him. I will bond him.

Nynaeve: Has he given his permission for you to bond him?

Elayne: Do you want me to raise my chin?

Nynaeve: Fine.
-----------------
Siuan: You three must hunt the Black Ajah. You gut the fish, after you sail the Fingers of the Dragon. A silverpike

in your skirts will bite you before the lionfish in your boat. The guppy in your hair will make you jump like an eel.

Nynaeve: Are you drunk?

Siuan: Yes.
--------------
Lanfear: I am evil. One day I will claim my old love, Lews Therin, who is now al'Thor, and together we will rule the

world! HA! HA! HAAAA!

Mat: I'm sorry, what?

Lanfear: Go Light.

Mat. Oh. Luckily no one warned me about an evil, beautiful woman who might have been in a Dark Prophecy in an earlier

adventure.
---------------
<b>Mat: Let's fight.

Galad: Not the face!

Gawyn: Yes, the face.
---------------
Lanfear: Girls, I am Else Grinwell, not Lanfear. The Black Ajah is in Tear. It’s a trap. Go Light.

Elayne: A trap-walking-into! Yay!

Egwene: Do we put ourselves in a sack like last time?

Elayne: I think the sack is waiting for us in Tear.

Egwene: Oh, good.
---------------
Elayne: Mat, you must take this message to my mother.

Mat: Doesn't the royal family or the White Tower have carrier pigeons?

Elayne: Nope. Fresh out.

Mat: Seems silly.

Elayne: See this chin? I'll raise it.

Mat: Fine.
-------------
Nynaeve: We are women by ourselves in the world, and therefore must bicker.

Egwene: Bicker, bicker.

Nynaeve: Braid yank, braid yank.

Elayne: Chin raise, chin raise.

Ship Captain: Need help?

Nynaeve: How dare you! We'll be fine!!

Bandits: Put them into the sacks.

Egwene: Ahh. Trapped again by our own stupidity. Home, sweet home.
---------------
Rahvin: Go kill the Daughter-Heir.

Underling: What if she raises her chin, milord?

Rahvin: She is a skilled chinmaster. Use the heron-marked chin I have given you.

Mat : Good luck to that guy. Er..I should go save her. I guess.
---------------
Perrin: I wish I could use only my hammer, not my axe.

Loial: "Wishing for an hammer is like climbing a mountain, and then slipping..."

Perrin: Oh, shut up.
------------
Lan: Rand is as fast on foot as we are on horseback.

Perrin: Why is that?

Lan: Our horses are actually statues of horses. Giddyup.
---------------
Lan: Giant wolfprints in stone. Darkhounds.

Hopper: Shadow brothers.

Moiraine: Four-footed Darkwalkers.

Hopper: Nightrunners.

Lan: Those Who Cannot Be Named, Other Than To Say They Are Evil Wolves.

Perrin: You made that last one up.

Lan: Yes, I did.
------------------
Perrin: Please stop insulting me.

Faile: Okay, Shaggy-hair.

Perrin: Stop it.

Faile: Stop what, big man?

Perrin: Leave me alone.

Faile: Why, farmboy?

Perrin: I suddenly love you.

Faile: Good. Now wear this collar. I now own you.
----------------
Nynaeve: Tear. Here we are.

Liandrin: Step this way, please.

Nynaeve: Certainly.
-------------
Rand: Tear. Here I am.

Bel'al: Step this way, please.

Rand: No.

Bel'al: Damn, he's on to me.
----------------
Ba'alzamon: Ha! Ha! No one kicks Ba'alzamon's butt THREE times in a row! Maybe the first time you burned my face, and

the second time you stabbed me, but this time it will be diff...
----------------
Mat: I braved the Forsaken, Black Ajah, Defenders, and High Lords to save you.

Nynaeve: We were happy in our prison, thank you very much.

Egwene: Yeah, now we have to actually do stuff. Thanks a lot.

Mat: Maybe you'll acknowledge my effort in four books or so.
-------------------
Aiel: The Dragon Reborn!

Rand: What did you call me?

Aiel: Nothing. Go Rand.
__________________

The Shadow Rising
Pedron Niall: Fain, I've known you five minutes. You shall be my newest closest advisor. Take a legion of my men.

Fain: Cock-a-doodle-doo! Yip! Yip! Yeehaw!

Pedron Niall: Good plan. First we cock-a-doodle. Then we yip-yip. And finally, we yeehaw.

Fain: Shama-lama-ding-dong.

Pedron Niall: Interesting theory on the Shama-lama. But where is your proof?

Fain: Wicky-wicky-wicky.

Pedron Niall: Ah. Of course. You've been to Amadicia's great Wicky Wicky library. Both of its books must have been of

great use to you.

Fain:

Pedron Niall: Good idea. Perhaps al'Thor can be lured out with piping hot ham.

Fain:

Pedron Niall: Fain, with your brilliant insight on how to ambush an enemy by crawling like insects, the world will be

ours in weeks!

Fain: Are you aware that I’m insane?

Pedron Niall: I haven't been aware of much since I locked myself in this office twenty years ago.
----------------
The Wheel of Time comes and Ages come and go. In one Age, called the Third Age by some, and called the Fourth Age by

others who are dumb, in the city of Tear a wind rose.

Through the streets of Tear the wind blew. The wind blew past merchants crying their wares, past plump innkeepers

moping their brows, and past goodwives sweeping their front steps. The wind took a left on Third Ave, and headed for

Mistress Tia's House of Pies. But as usual the line was too long, so the wind sighed and went to Harlor's Ale House.

An hour later, the wind staggered toward the Stone of Tear.

The wind passed a pleasantly plump seabreeze carrying her tailwind in the air. He howled enticingly at her, but she

blew right past him.

"Typical," muttered the staggering wind, and spun himself around before falling on his face.
--------------
Faile: How much I beat you is a measure of how much I love you.

Perrin: Thanks for all the love.
--------------
Elayne: I talked to Rand for five minutes a year ago. I love him.

Egwene: You two are obviously soulmates. I will hand him to you. But he will be crushed because I am so desirable.
---------------
Egwene: Rand, I can't marry you.

Rand: Okay.

Egwene: How dare you act so casual. Most men would cry for days.

Rand: Fine, fine. I'm crying. Don't your hips get sore from planting your fists on them all the time?

Egwene: I have little hip holsters built into my dresses for my fists.
------------
Elayne: Rand, I want you to kiss me.

Rand: Fine, fine. I'm kissing.

Elayne: Now I own you.
------------
Moiraine: My brilliant theory about The Prophecy of the Dragon is that you need to wage war against Illian, because

'The People of the Dragon' obviously are the people of Tear. Also, you need to wear a yellow pointed party hat,

because that is my understanding of the line "He will bring war."

Rand: I have a different interpretation of The Prophecy of the Dragon.

Moiraine: What would you know about The Prophecy of the Dragon? You’re merely the Dragon Reborn, while I am a

busybody.

Rand: You haven’t been helping me out a lot lately. You didn’t give me any advice in Fal Dara – instead, you ignored

me, and after Falme, you said I should simply "wait for the Pattern."

Moiraine: That's what good advisors do. Give advice once a year. And the advice that we do give is poorly thought-out

and incorrect.

Rand: My instinct tells me I should go my own way again.

Moiriane: That will lead to disaster.

Rand: It was a disaster when I went to Tear, and took Callandor?

Moiraine: Yes. That was a disaster because it made me look like an idiot for not advising you to do anything, then

being angry when you did something.

Rand: Well, these are disastrous times.
--------------
Elayne: Here is a note expressing my love.

Rand: You know that being near me is dangerous.

Elayne: In that case, here is a note expressing my hate. Men are so confusing.
--------------
Lanfear: This is the true me. Lanfear.

Rand: I hardly recognized you, since you revealed yourself as an even-more-beautiful most- beautiful woman ever.

Lanfear: Yes. Normally, as Selene, I travel around hidden as the most beautiful woman ever, but not quite as

beautiful as I actually am.

Rand: Well, no matter how beautiful your most-beautiful-woman-ever disguise is, rest assured that I cannot harm

women. Even those who are my mortal enemies.

Lanfear: Is that some sort of genetic problem?

Rand: If stupidity is genetic.
------------
Rand: The ter'angreal doorway told me to go to Rhuidian.

Mat: Yes, me too.

Moiraine: It was foolish of you both to enter the doorway at the same time.

Rand: Maybe you should have given us that advice BEFORE we entered the doorway.

Moiraine: I would, but it’s more fun to give advice after it’s too late to change anything. That way, I can’t be

proven wrong. Now prepare to don your yellow party hat of war, and attack Illian with the Tairens, who use the code

name:</b> 'The People of the Dragon.'

Tairens: We are not the People of the Dragon.

Moiraine: You are what I say you are.

Rhuarc: Actually, we are the People of the Dragon.

Moiraine: What the hell would you know about it?
-------------
Thom: I must help you in Tanchico.

Nynaeve: We never need help.

Elayne: Yes. We never need help getting captured. Three times in two adventures. Beat that.

Nynaeve: Now pack away our nice dresses. We like to look our best when getting captured.
--------------
Aviendha: I’ve known Egwene five minutes. She is my best friend. Elayne is her best friend. You hurt Elayne. I hate

you. I also love you. Men are confusing.

Rand: Egwene is your best friend?

Aviendha: Yes.

Rand: And Elayne is her best friend?

Aviendha: Yes.

Rand: So Egwene has you and Elayne BOTH as best friends?

Aviendha: Yes. Among the Aiel, that is what we call "gossip sisters." Two best friends adopt another as a best

friend, and then they all three become best friends. And gossip.
--------------
Perrin: I must go home.

Faile: You may follow us, like a lost puppy. How much I humiliate you is a measure of how much I love you.

Perrin: Thanks for all the love.
-------------
Rand: Ah. Rhuidean.

Couladin: Die!

Amys: Couladin, you have broken the peace of Rhuidean. Do not do it again.

Couladin: Die!

Amys: Couladin, you have broken the peace of Rhuidean. Do not do it again.

Couladin: Die!

Rand: Amys, your line doesn’t seem to be working.

Amys: This is Wise Ones’ business.

Rand: Even if he kills me?

Amys: Yes, even if Couladin kills you, it’s still none of your business. Now excuse me, I must use our time-tested

technique:</b> Couladin, you have broken the peace of Rhuidean. Do not do it again.
--------------
Lan: Ah. Rhuidean.

Heirn: Aan’allein.

Bair: One Man.

Rhuarc: The Man.

Amys: The Only Man.

Melaine: The Man Who is a Country.

Seanna: One Man.

Rhuarc: I already said that.

Seanna: Damn.

Amys: The One Man Who Fell in Love With the Loud Braid-Puller.

Seanna: The One Man Who Went Up a Hill, but Came Down a Mountain.

Rand: That was a good movie.

Seanna: Yes, movies. That’s where we get most of our stupid nicknames for things. Now, come, chew on some gravel. Or

as we call it:</b> "Jabba."
-------------
Nynaeve: Ah, Tanchico. Run along, Thom and Juilin. Don’t get in our way. We run the operation here.

Thom & Juilin: Yes, ma’am.

Moghedien: Tell me everything you know.

Nynaeve: Yes, ma’am.
------------
Amys: You must never go into Tel’aran’rhiod without one of us as a guide.

Egwene: But I’m so nosey.

Amys: Well, if you do, we won’t check up on you, anyway. Go for it.
------------
Kadere: I am but a simple evil peddler.

Rand: Then join us, by all means.
-------------
Mat: I know the Old Tongue.

Rand: That’s weird. I laugh for no reason.
-------------
Aviendha: Our customs say that if you disobey the law, you must be punished.

Rand: Punished? You Aiel have crazy customs.

Aviendha: It couldn’t be simpler, wetlander. You see, a blacksmith may pick up a rock, but only if a roofmistress has

not picked it up first. If she has picked up the rock first, then the blacksmith must run five laps around her while

tapping his head. If the blacksmith’s first second-sister is younger than the roofmistress, then she may touch the

rock, but not pick it up. And that’s how we decide who will throw the marriage boulder on the new husband’s face. The

marriage boulder is called a "Greedo."

Bair: I remember seeing my first husband’s face crushed by the Greedo. Oh, we laughed for days. He thought

it was hilarious. Want some gravel, I mean, Jabba?

Aviendha: Sure, thanks.
-------------
Perrin: Die, Trollocs.

Verin: Interesting.
-------------
Carridin: I hate Aes Sedai because they destroyed the world. Now I must help the Great Lord destroy the world.
--------------
Rand: I am the Car’a’carn.

Couladin: Die!

Rand: Is anyone going to do anything about him?

Rhuarc: You mean aside from calling the Shaido "honorless dogs?"

Rand: Yes.

Rhuarc: No. He pretty much does what he wants.

Rand: Then I must suddenly go back to Rhuidean to fight for a sa’angreal-controlling ter-angreal that I walked right

past in Rhuidean.
--------------
Nynaeve: I have captured one of the thirteen most evil people on the planet. I really should kill you.

Moghedien: Yes, you should. But maybe you should talk to me for a while. You could make my eyes bulge with some

threats. Or you could watch my mouth try to work.

Nynaeve: You’re right. I never really take the time to get to know my enemies.
---------------
Rand: While I was off fighting a Forsaken, I suppose no one bothered to do anything about Couladin.

Bael: I gave him a dirty look.

Erim: You should have seen it. It was truly a mean, vicious look.

Rand: Well, as long as it was really mean.
__________________

The Fires of Heaven
Elaida: Fain, I am looking for a new advisor. Tell me your qualifications.

Fain: Well, I am filthy, insane, and evil.

Elaida: You’re hired. Advise me.

Fain: You must become crazier. Look how well it's done for me.

Elaida: Good advice.
---------------
Gareth Bryne: I used to control Andor’s armies. Now I preside over local trials involving livestock burning. You have

killed a man’s livestock. You will work for me. I suddenly love you.

Siuan: I used to control the White Tower. Now I hide in barns. I agree to work for you. I must run away. And I

suddenly love you.
---------------
Egwene: Rand al’Thor! As an honorary Aes Sedai, you must listen to me!

Rand: I thought you were an honorary Aiel.

Egwene: I’m both. It’s called "Aiel Sedai." It’s when you’re arrogant enough for two cultures.
---------------
Nynaeve: I’m wearing a green silk dress with slashes of white with snowy white lace in a floral pattern. It has the

faces of cherubs sewn into the sides, and the picture of deer running gracefully through a wooded stream in the

skirt. It shows generous cleavage.

Elayne: I’m wearing a dark blue silk dress with a pattern of black lace. It has actual thread-of-gold woven into the

bodice, telling the story of my childhood, including the part when I skinned my knee trying to climb a leatherleaf

tree in Master Hanson’s orchard. It shows generous cleavage.

Nynaeve: I miss good, stout Two Rivers woolens.

Elayne: Maybe you could by some wool dresses.

Nynaeve: I’m far too important for that, according to my estimation of myself. Since we’re keeping only the bare

essentials on our mission to save the world, how many dresses have we packed in our wagon?

Elayne: Five hundred and eighty-four.
-------------
Rand: Too bad no one killed Couladin when we had the chance.

Rhuarc: That would violate ji’e’toh.

Rand: ji’e’toh restricts you from stopping madmen warlords?

Rhuarc: Yes. The rule is madmen warlords can try to kill you, and everyone near you, and everyone else who isn’t near

you, and everyone they know, and everyone they thought was looking at them funny.

Rand: What does ji’e’toh let me do?

Rhuarc: You can mutter under your breath.

Rand: Shaido dogs.

Rhuarc: Now you’re getting it.
-------------
Melaine: Sorilea, you must help me marry Bael.

Sorilea: I will give you the Offer Dagger, which you will use to stab him in the shoulder as a sign of your love.

Melaine: I hope he will club me with the Acceptance Club, which will show his acceptance of my offer.

Sorilea: Then you will whip him with the Joy Whip, which will show your joy,

Melaine: And he will pelt me with the Honeymoon Pebbles.

Sorilea: And eventually, you will attack him with the Childbirth Spear.

Melaine: Then we will all beat ourselves with the Moron Bat.
---------------
Thom: Are you sure you don’t need help this time?

Nynaeve: How dare you insult us! We aren’t fools!

Ronde Macura: Drink this, fools.

Nynaeve: Ah, nice, delicious fool tea.
----------------
Elayne: I can walk the highwire without the help of the Power, because I am the Daughter-Heir.

Nynaeve: I didn’t know Daughter-Heirs knew how to walk highwires.

Elayne: It’s an old tradition, dating back to when Andor was founded by a trapeze artist.
---------------
Faile: Okay, lower that beam! And make sure there’s room in our ballroom for a third couch. And I want that well in

our back yard finished in time for dinner. And lift the chandelier to at least two spans above the dining hall. And

make sure the giant wolfhead banner over the mantel is the right shade of red. I hate when people use the dark, rust

red color. It needs to be ruby red. And the balcony over the sun porch needs to be painted pine green!

Perrin: Are you sure we need such a huge mansion?

Faile: Quiet. You aren’t even in this book.
----------------
Rand: If only there were some way to skim ahead of Couladin. Like a Talent. Like a Skimming Talent that I might have

already rediscovered back at The Golden Bowl. That I might use to move an army to rescue Caemlyn, but probably not

Cairhien. Or even some sa’angreal that I might have already used to protect Tear, but probably not Cairhien. Oh,

well, I guess thousands must die. In Cairhien.
---------------
Aviendha: Rand al’Thor, you gave me a bracelet that was to make me like you, and stop hating you. But all the Maidens

thought it was because you loved me, and I loved you. Which you do, and I do. But it’s supposed to be a secret, which

makes me mad. And I am mad that you thought that a nice gift would make me like you, and I am mad that wearing the

gift makes it look like I accept your love, even though I really would if you offered, which you haven’t, and won’t

until I admit my true feelings, which I won’t. Even though I say I would hate it if you tried to love me, I actually

am lying, and want desperately for you to admit your feelings to me. So here is a gift of a heron-mark sword. I hope

this can successfully heighten the sexual tension between us.

Rand: Uh, thanks for the sword.

Aviendha: Men are so complicated.
--------------
Moiraine: Rand, I cannot advise you forever. Some day I may die. Some day I will die. Someday, I will die protecting

you from Lanfear in Cairhien.

Rand: What was that last part?

Moiraine: Uh, the Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills. In Cairhien.
---------------
Nynaeve: When I think of Lan, I want to wear low-cut dresses.

Elayne: Yes, when I think of Rand, I want to wear low-cut dresses.

Nynaeve: Yes, men make women want to get naked.

Elayne: Yes, that’s how women show love. We get naked and walk around.

Nynaeve: When I get married, I’m throwing away all of my clothes, and just wearing my braid.

Nynaeve: We have bonded. You are my best friend.

Elayne: You are my best friend. You and Egwene, and Aviendha, and Min. You are all my best friend.

Elayne: You’re crowding me in this little wagon.

Nynaeve: I hate you.

Elayne: I hate you.

Nynaeve: I hate you and Lan, and Thom, and Juilin, and Valan Luca, and that man selling apples that leered at me the

other day. You are all my worst enemies.

Elayne: I hate you and Rand and my mother, and Galad, and that pretty boy in Tanchico who got me drunk. You are all

my worst enemies.

Nynaeve: I’m such a coward. I love you like a sister.

Elayne: You are not a coward. You are brave. I love you like a sister. You and Egwene, and Aviendha, and Min. You are

all my sisters. And that one girl who gave me an extra necklace. She is my sister also. And Anaiya Sedai. She is very

nice, like a sister. And my brother Gawyn. He is also my sister.
-------------
Egwene: Being the biggest loudmouth is now my job.

Nynaeve: Can I still have the job of braidpuller?

Egwene: Until I get bored.
---------------
Rand: Weiramon, you are a fool who most likely hates me. You are in charge.

Weiramon: Excellent plan, my liege. Shall I charge at the opposing army?

Rand: No. That’s a corn field.
-------------
Aviendha: I want to sleep with you so badly that I must now run naked through a blizzard.

Rand: Maybe you don’t have to kill yourself.

Aviendha: No, my honor demands it.

Rand: That seems silly.

Aviendha: You are a wetlander, you wouldn’t understand. When Aiel love someone, our honor demands we run through

blizzards naked.

Rand: What does your honor demand if you only have a small crush on someone?

Aviendha: Then you wear a shift and sit in ice.

Rand: Perhaps you should use the Moron Bat.

Aviendha: Yes, thank you.
-----------------
Selande: Since you have taken Cairhien, I must flirt with you.

Rand: I should simply tell you to go away, but I’d rather terrify you.

Selande: That forces me to become a fake Aiel battle leader.
----------------
Melindra: You could be a great man. Greater than the Dragon Reborn. You could conquer all the world, and make every

nation kneel before you! You could make women weep, and men gnash their teeth! You could forge the world in the image

of the Great Lord, whom I love!

Mat: What?

Melindra: Nothing. Go Light. Now look over there.

Mat: Okay. Hey, no trying to kill me!

Melindra: Damn. Go Dark.

Mat: Hm. Something she said sounded odd. I must piece it together.
--------------------
Lanfear: You slept with another girl! Now you must die!

Rand: I cannot hurt a woman. So I must laugh.

Moiraine: While he’s distracting her with his laughing, I will save the day.

Rand: All my laughing at nothing finally paid off.
--------------
Sulin: Why do you hide your crying, Rand al’Thor? We Aiel never hide our crying.

Rand: That’s funny, because I’ve never once seen any of you cry.

Sulin: Sure we do. I stubbed my toe. Boo-hoo.

Rand: You’re faking it. Your culture sounds a lot like you’re just making it up as you go along.

Sulin: How dare you. You insult us like a Wizard of Oz!

Rand: Now you’re just copying other stories!

Sulin: Silence, Jedi.
----------------
Dobraine: There is a rumor that Morgase is dead. And rumors are always true.

Rand: Yes, rumors are never wrong. I once heard a rumor that a fishkeeper in Aringill could fit five apples in his

mouth.

Dobraine: Must be true; it’s a rumor.

Rand: To the Skimming Mobile!

Dobraine: All that Skimming would have been nice when my city was in trouble.

Rand: What’s that?

Dobraine: Nothing. Skim away. Save Caemlyn. I’ll just return to the pile of ashes that was once my house.
-------------------
Rand: So! Rahvin! Lord Gaebril is actually you!

Rahvin: Damn. I was hoping everyone thought I was simple evil Lord Gaebril, and not evil Forsaken Rahvin.
---------------
Nynaeve: Let’s hope that Tel’aran’rhiod will take us to Rand and Rahvin fighting in the Royal Palace. Oh. It has.
---------------
Asmodean: You! No!

Rhuarc: Oh. Sorry. Sometimes I forget to wear pants.
__________________

Lord of Chaos
Dark Lord: DEMANDRED. HOW FARES THIS WORLD, DEMANDRED.

Demandred: Rahvin is dead, Great Lord.

Dark Lord: DONE BY MY ANCIENT ENEMY. THE ONE CALLED DRAGON.

Demandred: Great Lord, do you mean one currently called Dragon, or another in a previous Age, who might be a female

Dragon, or barring that, a female substitute Dragon? I refuse to believe that a female Dragon couldn’t exist…

Dark Lord: DEMANDRED, I’VE TOLD YOU TO STOP PERPETUATING THAT STUPID THEORY.

Demandred: Sorry, Great Lord. I don’t know what I was thinking.

Dark Lord: So, tell, me Demandred….Damn, my amp…it’s lost power.

Demandred: I’ll plug it back in, Great Lord. How about now?

Dark Lord: SO tell ME Demandred….NOW it’s SWITCHING back AND forth. THAT’S no GOOD…

Demandred: How about now?

Dark Lord: Was ist los? Ich kann nicht normal sprechen. Ich spreche wie ein verrueckter Mensch.

Demandred: How about now?

Dark Lord: ImspeakingtoofasthelpstopmefromspeakingsofastIcantstopthisIcan’tbreathe…

Demandred: How about now?

Dark Lord: 01111001100001100000111111010100110010010.

Demandred: HOW ABOUT NOW. HEY, NOW I’VE GOT THE BIG VOICE.

Dark Lord: Stop that.

Demandred: SORRY, GREAT LORD, BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW TO TURN OFF MY OWN BIG VOICE. HEY. THIS IS KIND OF COOL. I AM THE

GREAT LORD. OBEY ME OR DIE. LET THE LORD OF CHAOS RULE.

Dark Lord: Do not do impressions of me, Demandred. I am the Great Lord. Those who do impressions of me will die.

Demandred: EXCEPT FOR ISHAMAEL. BECAUSE HE IS MY FAVORITE FANCY PANTS BOY.

Dark Lord: I’ve never called Ishamael my favorite fancy pants boy.

Demandred: YOU IMPLIED IT. THIS I COMMAND.

Dark Lord: You cannot command me. I command you.

Demandred: BUT YOU DON’T HAVE THE BIG VOICE.

Dark Lord: I should have the big voice.

Demandred: BUT YOU DON’T. SHAIDAR HARAN, GET ME SOME LEMONADE.

Shaidar Haran: Yes, Great Lord.

Dark Lord: No! Shaidar Haran, he’s impersonating me! Don’t get him lemonade.

Shadar Haran: But He’s got the big voice, Great Lord. How can I refuse?

Moghedien: Hey, what’s going on?

Demandred: Check out my impression, Moghedien. Ahem. MOGHEDIEN. YOU DISAPPOINT ME. BUT I WILL GIVE YOU ANOTHER CHANCE

TO SERVE THE SHADOW. YOU MUST CRAWL THROUGH MY MAGICALLY LOWERING TUNNEL WITH THE ROCKS GRAZNG YOUR HEAD. THEN YOU

MUST LEAP THROUGH FLAMING HOOPS, THEN JUGGLE EIGHT PORCUPINES TO SHOW YOUR LOYALTY TO ME. FROM THIS DAY FORTH, YOU

SHALL BE REBORN AS ‘CUCAMONGA.’ THIS I COMMAND.

Moghedien: Hey, that’s pretty good! Let me try. I AM THE GREAT LORD. I LIVE IN A BIG FIERY LAVA TOILET. OBEY ME OR

PREPARE TO BE FLUSHED DOWN AMONG THE FLAMES.

Great Lord: Okay, I don’t really sound like that. Shaidar Haran, back me up.

Shaidar Haran: Actually, you do kind of sound like that. And it does look a little like a big toilet. Here’s your

lemonade, Demandred.

Demandred: THANK YOU, SHAIDAR HARAN. YOU PLEASE ME ALMOST AS MUCH AS MY FANCY PANTS BOY, ISHAMAEL.

Dark Lord: Now I’m getting mad.

Demandred: I AM THE GREAT LORD. I CAN DISH IT OUT, BUT I CAN’T TAKE IT.

Moghedien: Good one.

Demandred: I LIKE TO MAKE BUBBLES OF EVIL. BEWARE THE EVIL PLAYING CARD FIGURES THAT I MAKE COME TO LIFE. THE THREE

INCH TALL AMYRLIN SEAT’S GONNA GET YOU. SCARY.

Moghedien & Shaidar Haran:

Great Lord: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I WILL NOT TOLERATE….OH, IT’S FIXED. AHEM. HEAR AND OBEY, WHO WILL LIVE AND WHO WILL

DIE. OBEY THE BIG VOICE.
-----------------
Min: I must go sit on Rand’s lap. The Pattern demands it.
------------------
Perrin: I must go sit on Rand’s lap. Er, I mean, I must go to Rand. The Pattern demands it.

Faile: I KNEW it!!!
-----------------
Taim: Rand al’Thor, I would like to give you the gift of death.

Rand: What was that?

Taim: Rand al’Thor, I would like to give you the gift of the seventh seal that holds the Dark Lord’s prison. I got it

from a farmer.

Rand: A farmer?

Taim: Yes. He got it from space aliens who landed in the cornfield. That’s my story.

Rand: Taim, you must build an army of male channelers.

Taim: I have a violent and questionable past.

Rand: Good. In that case, I will leave you alone with all these trained war machines so that you and you alone

command their loyalty, and you may hire more and more violent angry men who hate me.
----------------
Nynaeve: When entering Tel’aran’rhiod, you must be very careful.

Carlinya: Child, do not presume to speak to Aes Sedai in such a disagreeable tone.

Nynaeve: Forgive me, Aes Sedai. I spoke out of turn in trying to prevent you from getting your hair burned off.

Carlinya: Thank you. I do enjoy people showing me proper respect as I have my head burned. Then they all can say,

"All bow to the bald-headed Aes Sedai."
---------------
Elayne: The Embassy from Elaida has arrived. She is a Red sister. She’s cold and scary. When she looks at you, she

might as well be looking at a stone.

Nynaeve: So you’re saying she’s not warm and friendly like all the other Reds?

Elayne: Yes. She’s different.
---------------
Nynaeve: Moghedien, you’re a Forsaken. You are pure evil. I must keep you around until you escape.

Moghedien: Should be pretty soon now.

Nynaeve: At the very least, I will punish you with a fierce glare.
------------------
Nicola and Areina: Nynaeve, we are mad that you lied about being an Aes Sedai. Feel the wrath of our glares.

Nynaeve: Oh, yeah? Well, you two can feel the wrath of my glare.
----------------
Delana: Nynaeve, unless you tell me about Rand al’Thor, you will wither under my terrifying glare.

Nynaeve: Oh, yeah? Well, then you can just feast on the barrage of glares I will throw your way.
--------------
Tarna Feir: Nynaeve, unless you tell me about Rand al’Thor, you will wither under my glare.

Nynaeve: I’ve already withered under Delana’s glare.

Tarna Feir: Stop glaring.
-----------------
Theodrin: Nynaeve, I must douse you in water to break your block.

Nynaeve: Then prepare for the glare.

Theodrin: I am impressed. You can glare, pull your braid, and plant your hands on your hips.

Nynaeve: I’m a triple-threat.
------------
Siuan: Leanne, take this glare! (Not really.)

Leanne: Siuan, take this glare! (Not really.)
-----------
Nynaeve: Stop glaring!

Uno: That’s my eyepatch.
-------------
Sheriam: Siuan, you must not yell at Aes Sedai anymore.

Siuan: I dare to glare.
---------------
Romanda: Sheriam, I am angry that you don’t have any Yellow sisters in your little circle. Feel the glare.

Sheriam: Your glare causes wear and tear.
------------
Lelaine: Romanda, I will show you who controls the Hall. It’s time for a glare-down!

Romanda: Set your eyes on ‘glare.’
-------------
Rand: I hope Elayne and Nynaeve are doing more than just glaring.

Egwene: Rand al’Thor! Feel my…

Rand: I have to go.
--------------
Peddler: I heard a rumor from a drunken midget, who heard it from listening to a tree, that Morgase and Elayne are

dead.

Gawyn: Rumors are always true. They are both dead. I will have my vengeance.

Jisao: Lord Gawyn, I heard a rumor that eating bark gives you long life.

Gawyn: Fetch me a tree.
------------
Egwene: Rand al’Thor! You are so arrogant! You need to be treated like a boy, because you act like one!

Rand: You are covered in dust.

Egwene: That’s the sign of a healthy adult. The filthier you are, the better you are at lecturing others.
--------------
Gawyn: I heard a rumor that Rand al’Thor killed Elayne and Morgase. I will have my vengeance.

Egwene: Out of love for me, can you delay your killing him until I prove these crazy rumors are false?

Gawyn. Yes.

Egwene: Okay. Well, I heard a rumor that Rand did NOT kill Morgase.

Gawyn: Well, that proves it.
------------------
Rand: From now on, only two Maidens will guard me when I am in the palace.

Sulin: That may be dangerous.

Rand: What are the odds someone will try to harm me?
-------------
Rand: I’m the Dragon Reborn. How are things going at the farm?

Torval: So you are the Dragon Reborn, eh? We must kill you.

Gedwyn: Kill the Dragon Reborn.

Rochaid: Kill the Dragon Reborn.

Taim: Ah. Heh, heh. They’re kidding, my Lord Dragon. When you train male channelers in warfare, they make jokes about

killing you. Specifically you.

Rand: Keep up the good work. I must get back to my palace, where only two Maidens guard me, and sometimes not even

that.
------------
Bashere: See how my 9,000 Saldaean riders can ride while doing handstands on their saddles, and bouncing off the

ground, and standing on each others’ shoulders.

Rand: Yes, I can see how riding into battle while doing a handstand on your horse would throw an enemy into panic.

Bashere: You should see the enemy flee when we start breakdancing.

Rand: That would make me flee.
----------------
Rand: I love you. You must go far, far away.

Aviendha: I love you. I must give you stony stares. And glares.
--------------
Bashere: Perrin, I must train you in Saldaean ways. You must yell at your wife like this… DEIRA!!! PUNCH!!! NOW!!!

Deira: Yes, dear.

Bashere: But only when she wants you to. Sometimes she wants you to be soft and gentle, like this… I love you, my

cuddly little honey-bunny.

Deira: Yes, dear.

Bashere: And sometimes she wants to yell at you, like this….

Deira: DAVRAM!!! MASSAGE MY BACK!!! NOW!!

Bashere: Yes, dear. And sometimes she wants to be soft and gentle with you, like this…

Deira: I will perch on your shoulder, my big, strong rock of a husband.

Bashere: So you see, it’s not that hard. Do you know anything about babbling women who don’t know what they want?

Perrin: Well, I grew up in the Two Rivers.

Bashere: Oh, you’ll be fine. But if you do get anything wrong, I will kill you.
------------------
Faeldrin: I heard a rumor that Rand al’Thor had his Aiel attack one of us.

Merana: Rumors are always true. Prepare to glare.

Faeldrin: Rumors has it that eating bark give you long life. Should I get you a tree, as well?

Merana: Just a small log.
---------------
Rand: I have forbidden anyone from my army of over one million people to guard me.

Galina: What makes you think you should refuse protection, even when it is offered?

Rand: I grew up with Nynaeve and Egwene.

Galina: Ah, the masters.

Rand: So do I get into a room, or a box?

Galina: A box.

Rand: Nynaeve and Egwene told me when you are imprisoned due to your own stupidity, you are put in a jail cell or a

room with a bed.

Galina: When you are imprisoned due to your own stupidity, there is a wide variety of places you can be put.
----------------
Romanda: Who comes before the Hall?

Egwene: I am a woman.

Sheriam: I am a woman.

Anaiya: I am a woman.

Uno: I am a woman.
----------------
Kiruna: I am regal queen-type.

Bera: I am a plain, strong, farmwife type. Together, we rub people everywhere the wrong way.
--------------------
Elayne: I’ve heard a rumor that Rand keeps the Lion Throne as a trophy. Rumors are always true. How DARE he. I am the

ruler of Andor, from three thousand miles away, once I travel even further south, and then back north, and then get

the forty-two houses on Andor to support me.

Egwene: Bark?

Elayne: Thanks. Delicious.
----------------
Mat: I’m here to rescue you, again.

Nynaeve: Mat, you have a lot of nerve. I must kick you in the bottom.

Elayne: That’s wrong and hilarious.

Egwene: Yes, it is. Now kick Mat off with you to Ebou Dar.

Mat: But I’m supposed to bring Elayne to Caemlyn.

Elayne: No one ‘brings’ me anywhere! I am….

Mat, Egwene, and Nynaeve: The Daughter-Heir, we know.
----------------
Mat: How am I supposed to help the girls if they insist on putting themselves in danger?

Thom: Heed the advice of the old wise man. Sometimes women insist on getting themselves hurt, and all you can do is

help them.

Mat: Help them hurt themselves. Good plan.
---------------
Elayne: You must show me that ter’angreal. You are my subject.

Mat: If you aren’t Queen of Andor yet, how can I be your subject?

Elayne: Uh, yes. Well, you are my spiritual subject. In spirit, I rule you.

Mat: How so?

Elayne: I can do over one hundred chin-ups. That is, I can lift my own body using my chin one hundred times.

Mat: Prove it.

Elayne: Okay. One…. Two… Three…

Mat: Keep it up, you’re doing great. Okay, men, let’s go.
-----------
Taim: My Lord Dragon, we have rescued you.

Gedwyn: Kill the Dragon.

Taim: Not yet, you idiot.

Gawyn: I will see you dead, al’Thor. Right after your men let me go.

Kiruna: Ah, young al’Thor. We, the haughty queen-like Aes Sedai, and the haughty farmwife Aes Sedai, shall help you

since you clearly need someone to hold your hand…

Taim: Kneel to the Lord Dragon. Or you will be knelt.

Rand: Ah. All I had to do was become the most powerful warlord on Earth to get a woman to stop nagging me.
------------
Demandred: Have I not done well, Great Lord?

Dark Lord: YOU HAVE DONE WELL, DEMANDRED. MY BIG VOICE SYSTEM WORKS GREAT. CHECK ONE, CHECK TWO. TEST. TEST. YOU WILL NOT BE NAE’BLIS. TEST. TEST.
__________________

A Crown of Swords
Tylin: In Ebou Dar, custom says that to show honesty, women get half-naked.
Elayne: Well, I don’t want to be rude. Half-naked it is.
Nynaeve: Yes, it’s fine with me. I’ll just think about Lan.
Tylin: Nothing like being half-naked to help you discuss high politics.
Elayne: It’s also good for raising Amyrlins.
Tylin: Custom also dictates that to show trustworthiness, you cluck like a chicken.
Elayne: Thank you. Cluck, cluck.
Nynaeve: This city has odd customs. Woof, woof.
Elayne: No, Nynaeve, woofing is a White Tower custom. Cluck, cluck.
Uno: I am a woman.
---------------
Elaida: I must spend most of the White Tower’s resources on building a huge palace for me that will be even taller

that the White Tower. It will be called The Taller Tower. Alviarin: I use my intelligence to do evil.
Elaida: I use my stupidity to do evil. We’re a team!
------------------
White Tower Aes Sedai: We don’t like the looks of those Salidar Aes Sedai.
Salidar Aes Sedai: We don’t like the looks of those White Tower Aes Sedai.
Cairheinin: We don’t like the looks of those Aiel.
Aiel: We don’t like the looks of those treekillers.
Two Rivers men: We don’t like the looks of those Asha’man.
Asha’man: We don’t like the looks of anyone.
Perrin: My super powers tell me that all these people glaring at each other, fingering their weapons do not like each

other. My super-strong nose tells me. My super-weak brain doesn’t.
------------
Rand: My rescue party is about to kill each other. There are thousands of people that all hate each other, all

following me. Wish I could help. On to more important things: I must memorize each and every woman who dies for me.

There’s Braida. She had such nice braids. There’s Talla. She was taller than most men. There’s

Lentila. She made wonderful lentil soup. And now, it is time for a song about the dead women who have served

me…
Sorilea: Maybe letting the Maidens fight wasn’t such a great idea.
-------------
Rand: We must take back Cairhein as quickly as possible. Ride slowly toward Cairhein.
Dobraine: Like this?
Rand: Slower.
Dobraine: How about like this?
Rand: Too fast.
Dobraine: How about now?
Rand: Oh, just ride backwards.
-----------------
Perrin: Faile, are you okay?
Faile: Smell my spiky-jealousy-mixed-with-hurt scent.
Perrin: Smell my sick-of-your-stupid-scents scent.
Faile: Now we’re getting somewhere.
--------------
Min: Rand, Perrin must be around you to save your life twice. Once was Dumai’s Wells, but there obviously must be a

second time. My viewings never fail.
Rand: Send him to Ghealdan. I like to live on the edge.
Min: The edge of danger?
Rand: The edge of stupidity.
-------------
Birgitte: Mat thinks it’s bad that you mistreated him when he rescued you in the Stone of Tear
Aviendha: Near-sister, you should apologize to him. In my country, we call it "rude."
Elayne: In my country, we call it "regal."
Aviendha: Near-sister, in my country, when someone risks their life to save yours, you do not punish them.
Elayne: You have strange ways.
Aviendha: Near-sister, I think you have toh. I once nearly ripped off Rand al’Thor's head for asking me if he had

toh. You cannot be told you have toh; you just know. Being told you have toh shames you further.
Elayne: Do I have toh?
Aviendha: Yes. Now you are shamed even further.
Elayne: I don’t think I have toh.
Aviendha: No, you do. And even more shame is heaped upon you.
Elayne: Are you sure?
Aviendha: Absolutely. And shame for you again.
Elayne: Maybe I can have a shame box, to hold all my shame.
Aviendha: Or a dumpster.
--------------
Dark Lord: SO, MOGHEDIEN. DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE FUNNY IMPRESSIONS OF ME.
Moghedien: Ah, heh, heh, Great Lord. That was actually Demandred’s idea. I don’t really like doing impressions.
Dark Lord: OH, NO, MOGHEDIEN. I THINK YOU LOVE DOING IMPRESSIONS. NOW YOU CAN DO AN IMPRESSION OF A BEETLE AS YOU

CRAWL BEFORE ME. THEN YOU CAN DO AN IMPRESSION OF A PUPPET AS MORIDIN CONTROLS YOU WITH A MINDTRAP.
Moghedien: That seems like a hard life.
Dark Lord: WELL, AT LEAST YOU’RE NOT FLOATING IN THE GIANT FIERY TOILET.
----------------
Tylin: This knife to your throat will stop your struggling. It will also peel off your clothes, duckling.
Mat: Elayne thinks this is my just desserts for what I do to women.
Tylin: I never knew you used knives on women.
Mat: Neither did I. But the important thing is that Elayne thinks it’s my just desserts.
Tylin: Does Elayne think you starve women into submission?
Mat: I’ll have to check. Probably.
Tylin: Then prepare for more just desserts. Without the actual dessert, of course.
--------------
Elayne: Mat, Aviendha wants me to apologize to you. So you have my forced apology. And I vow not to insult you,

simple subject.
Nynaeve: Elayne wants me to apologize to you. So you also have my forced apology. And I vow not to insult you, you

lout.
Mat: I love forced apologies mixed with insults at the crack of dawn.
Nynaeve: And we will not put you or ourselves in danger without telling you. Except when Moghedien is out there,

trying to kill me and anyone else near me.
Mat: So how many of my men will Moghedien kill that you will try to hide from me?
Nynaeve: Only two.
--------------
Cadsuane: I have arrived.
Rand: So what?
Cadsuane: You are rude. I have left.
----------------
Min: I have found Harid Fel dead, and then Lady Colavaere dead.
Rand: Then we must comfort each other, naked.
Min: Yes. We must comfort each other, naked.
-----------
Mat: What will we do tonight?
Beslan: Tonight is Swovan Night. Custom says we drink.
Mat: We did that the other night.
Beslan: That was The Festival of Lights. Custom said we would drink.
Mat: How about next week?
Beslan: The Festival of Birds. Custom says we drink.
Mat: The day after that?
Beslan: The Festival of Drinking. Good day to drink. Oh, and I know my mother is forcing herself on you.
Mat: Custom says I must drink.
-----------------
Elayne: I have found the Bowl of the Winds without Mat’s help!
Aviendha: In my country, that is called "being obnoxious by ignoring someone else who has helped you."
Elayne: Wow. I have so much to learn about the Aiel, and your "non-rude" ways.
Aviendha: Now say, "Thank you, Mat."
Elayne: "Thank you." These are strange words you are telling me to say. Is this some spell in The Old Tongue? Have I

raised the dead?
Aviendha: You have raised your conscience.
Elayne: My what?
-----------------
Lan: My love for you is burning inside me. Like a block of ice burns.
Nynaeve: Then we must be married by Nesta din Reas, Mistress of the Ships. It’s a good idea to get married by the

leader of a society I know nothing about, that already hates me.
----------------
Mat: You may need help obtaining the Bowl of the Winds.
Nynaeve: Matrim Cauthon! That is ridiculous! We have never needed help doing anything! Except escaping those bandits

in Cairhein. And getting out of the Stone of Tear. And escaping Ronde Macura in Amadicia. What are the odds we will

need help this time?
Gholam: Pretty good.
------------
Elayne: Mat, we need you to stand there in front of a panel of Aes Sedai and a group of Windfinders. Just for no

reason. Just to stand there.
Mat: It only took you a week to break your promise not to manipulate me. I assume you need my ta’veren-ness because

you screwed up royally with Nesta din Reas.
Elayne: You are a most observant subject.
Mat: You have to actually be a queen to have subjects.
Elayne: You are a most intelligent subject.
Mat: Nynaeve is also from Andor. Is she your subject?
Elayne: When you are arrogent enough, you rise above being a subject.
----------------
Elayne: We must bring back all these Kinswomen to the White Tower.
Nynave: Many of them are not strong enough to be Aes Sedai. What do you suggest we do with them?
Elayne: Just think of all the glares and sniffs we could have with them!
Nynaeve: Now you’re making sense. Are we leaving anyone behind?
Elayne: Only Mat.
Nynaeve: Let’s go.
--------------
Rand: I can’t believe I did what I did to you. Through your moans of pleasure, and cries of "Yes! More!" I could tell

you were miserable.
Min: How could you tell?
Rand: Because I have vast knowledge of women.
Min: How have you obtained such great knowledge?
Rand: By running in fear from women, I have mastered them.
------------
Harine: Rand al’Thor, we will give you anything you want.
Rand: Sounds good. Merana, take it from here.
Harine: Merana, we will give you nothing you want.
Merana: Sounds good.
Harine: Have you, a Grey Aes Sedai, ever had a successful negotiation?
Merana: Once, in Caemlyn, I angered The Dragon Reborn for no reason.
Harine: For whom was that successful?
Merana: The Black Ajah.
-------------
Rand: I have handled the Sea Folk. I can do anything. I will now handle the rebels outside Cairhein.
Min: Last time you were alone, bad things happened.
Rand: What are the odds of me needing help from anyone?
Fain: Pretty good.
--------------
Rand: I can barely stand. Time for me to face Sammael.
Min: This time, you should not be alone.
Rand: I will not be alone. I will have nine thousand breakdancing Saldaeans on horseback helping me.
-------------
Sammael: Come and get me in Shadar Logoth, if you dare! No one can kill me, fool! Hahahahahaha…
Mashadar:
----------
Lord Gregorin: Lord Dragon, you do be the King of Illian.
Rand: Place the deadly crown on my empty head.
__________________

The Path of Daggers
Ethenielle: Anyone have any idea what the hell we’re doing?
Easar: No.
Paitar: Nope.
Tenobia: No idea.
Ethenielle: Okay. let’s smear our blood together.

Galina: I am the evilest.
Sevanna: No, I am the evilest.
Therava: No, I am the evilest.
Galina: Oh, let’s just glare at each other.
Sevanna & Therava: Fine.

Faile: Spying is a wife’s work. She must choose the best and brightest people to spy for her. that’s why I use

untrained morons from Tear and Cairhien who think they’re Aiel.
Perrin: Yes, with them around you, nothing can go wrong.

Edarra: You must kill Masema.
Faeldrin: I agree.
Perrin: I won’t allow it. it’s just not right.
Edarra: Why not?
Perrin: Because I'm a man of honor.
Edarra: But there is a great chance if you DON'T kill Masema, you will allow him to cause great death.
Perrin: That's a chance worth taking.
Edarra: You just made love to Faile, didn't you?
Perrin: Blood loss to brain too great?

Aviendha: I saw an evil man looking at me from the wall.
Elayne: That means we are sisters.
Nynaeve: I thought Egwene was like a sister to each of you.
Elayne: To me, Egwene was like a White-Tower-training-sister.
Aviendha: Yes, and to me, Egwene was like a Wise-One-training sister.
Nynaeve: And what kind of sisters are you to each other?
Elayne: We are like Ebou-Dar-wandering-around-doing-nothing-then-it’s-a-big-occasion-when-I-learn-to-apologize

sisters.

Elayne: This ride is so horrible for me. The Aes Sedai, Sea Folk, and Kinswomen are all glaring at each other. Add

that to the fact that Rand al'Thor thinks he can GIVE me Caemlyn just because he killed a Forsaken, and no one

suffers as much as I do!
Nynaeve: Yes, I’m sure Rand is hoping the Dark One won’t glare at him during the Final Battle.

Corine: We have used the Bowl of the Winds. Now we can return it to our ships. Elayne: Not until the weather is back

to normal.
Corine: So we are supposed to wait until three feet of snow covers everything, making return to our ships impossible?
Elayne: Yes. that’s part of the deal that I just made up.

Elyas: Faile wants you to yell at her.
Perrin: Huh? Elyas: Let me draw you a picture. With lots of pretty bright colors.
Perrin: Me like pictures.

Weiramon: I am here, my Lord Dragon.
Rand: I can’t believe you’re still alive.
Weiramon: Neither can I, Lord of the Morning. My own men seem to hate me.
Rand: Well, since you’re still around, you might as well be in charge of this army.
Weiramon: Yes, He Who Walks With Golden Feet. Shall I order my men to hang that traitor?
Rand: No. that’s a broom. But you can sweep my tent with it.

Bashere: There are reports of a huge Seanchan army with hundreds of damane advancing towards Illian. You command over

a million soldiers, and hundreds of Asha'man.
Rand: I will take 5,000 soldiers and eight Asha’man.
Bashere: It should work. With your mediocre planning and surrounding yourself with those who hate you, once again,

you should just barely avoid complete disaster.

Halima: Let me soothe your headaches with my evil fingers.
Egwene: Yes, that will be nice. You know, I was not there in Tanchico when Moghedien took advantage of Nynaeve and

Elayne. I missed a great opportunity to be made a fool of.
Halima: we’ll have to fix that.

Rand: What are your titles Taim has given you?
Gedwyn: I am the Storm Leader.
Rochaid: I am the Super-Duper Attack Coordinator.
Dashiva: I am the Death to Rand al’Thor Bringer.
Rand: As long as you’re keeping busy.

Cadsuane: We must teach Rand al’Thor to cry again.
Sorilea: We must teach Rand al’Thor to laugh again.
Cadsuane: Do you have any idea what we’re talking about?
Sorilea: I’m drunk.
Cadsuane: Me too.

Egwene: I must have long negotiations with these Andoran nobles and Murandian nobles.
Siuan: Yes, it’s very important for some reason.
Egwene: Yes, it is. By babbling and being babbled at, I am showing what a shrewd leader I am becoming.
Siuan: Mother, Lord Bryne needs more black bean stew. it’s his favorite. It makes that adorable face of his light up

like a full moon.
Egwene: Do you love him?
Siuan: I’m not telling.

Cadsuane: I will sit in this rising pile of snow until you apologize for being rude.
Rand: No, not that. Fine, I’m sorry.
Cadsuane: If you hadn’t given in, I’d have hit myself with a shovel until you did.
Rand: How dignified of you.
Cadsuane: It was rude of you to get angry at me for walking in on you unannounced, then insulting you, then implying

that I would harm you.
Rand: Of course. I should have said "Thank you" for your veiled threats and unveiled insults.
Cadsuane: You are not accustomed to constant rudeness. When you marry Elayne, you will be.
Rand: Will she sit in a rising pile of snow?
Cadsuane: When Elayne speaks, there will be a rising pile of something.

Lelaine: Mother, you must listen to my selfish demands.
Romanda: No, Mother, you must listen to my selfish demands.
Egwene: Perhaps I should ignore you both.
Lelaine & Romanda: Light, how did she figure that out? she’s possibly the smartest Amyrlin ever.

Elayne: we’re still traveling along.
Nynaeve: Yes, we are. This is very important, all this traveling we are doing.
Elayne: Yes it is. Just the other day, one of the Kinswomen turned out to be a runaway novice. Nothing Rand is

dealing with could possibly be as important as this.
Nynaeve: Yes. Perhaps tomorrow, we’ll have to settle an argument about how much lace one should wear, or who has the

handsomest lover.

Alviarin: I will succeed, because being evil never fails.
Galina : that’s right. Evil prevails.
Liandrin : Absolutely. Evil pays off.
Moghedien : Being evil is always the smartest path.
Elaida : Of course. Evil!
Aginor/Osan'gar: Evil is great. What are the odds of me dying a second time?

Cadsuane: Rand al’Thor must be protected. He must heed my words of wisdom. He needs me.
Samitsu: What is your master plan to help him?
Cadsuane: I will ignore him and have people bring me tea.
Samitsu: Now, regarding young Master al'Thor!.
Cadsuane: Tea!

Lady Riatin: We are pillow friends.
Random Windfinder: Yes, we are. Lady Riatin: Any idea what "pillow friends" are, or what plot function we serve?
Random Windfinder: No.
Lady Riatin: Then it’s best we hide in this room.

Perrin: You are summoned to see the Lord Dragon.
Masema: Fine. But only if there’s no One Power involved.
Perrin: Why not?
Masema: Because I’m crazy.
Perrin: that’s good enough for me. let’s start walking.

Faile: we’re under attack! Cha Faile! Prepare to defend yourselves, like the fierce quasi-Aiel you are!
Selande: I shot my foot.

Rand: I’m still alive.
Taim: Damn. I mean, good.
Rand: Some Asha’man tried to kill me.
Taim: Yes, Rochaid, Gedwyn, and Kisman. According to this plan, I see that at exactly quarter to Third Hour, Rochaid, Gedwyn, and Kisman convened at your wing of the Sun Palace, called "Point A." They tried to kill you and failed, then used the escape route, which I have highlighted in red, to one of the main courtyards, labeled "Point B," to report to each other. Then they reported their failure to me here, in the Gardens, at "Point C" on the map, I drew myself extra large, and gave myself a flowing black cape, to emphasize my power.
Rand: don’t forget that Dashiva tried to kill me, also.
Taim: Dashiva? that’s odd. he’s a Forsaken. He should be much smarter than that.
Rand: I know. Well, back to your assassin factory.
__________________

Winter's Heart
Seiera: We have discovered the Black Ajah.
Pevara: Yes, we must proceed carefully and slowly.
Yukiri: Very slowly.
Saerin: And very carefully.
Pevara: And then maybe we won’t have to do anything until the Black Ajah kills us all.
-----------
Elayne: I must hire mercenaries for the Royal Guard, or the people will think I cannot control the city, and they

will rebel.
Dyelin: The Aiel in the city would have controlled the city for you before you sent them away.
Elayne: But Aiel are foreigners. The people hate foreigners, and would have rebelled.
Dyelin: Most mercenaries are foreigners.
Elayne: But they are MY foreigners. And I must hire all women to be in my personal bodyguard. Women with special

breast-shaped armor.
Dyelin: Because you’re an idiot, and if the people think that you are smarter than they are, they will feel

threatened and get angry and rebel?
Elayne: Precisely.
-------------
Elayne: My raised chin will teach you some manners.
Taim: My folded arms will deflect your raised chin.
Elayne: My icy stare will fend off your folded arms.
Taim: My arrogant half-smile will defuse your icy stare.
Elayne: My turned back will rebuff your half-smile.
Taim: My veiled threats will turn back your turned back.
Elayne: My girlish giggling will parry your veiled threats. Tee-hee.
Birgitte & Dyelin: Tee-hee.
Taim: You bore me.
Elayne: it’s working.
------------
Nadere: You must enter the sister ceremony by getting fully naked. That is the Aiel way. It is a sacred, ancient

tradition.
Elayne: The Aiel way seems a lot like the Aes Sedai way, and the Ebou Dar way, and the Sea Folk way.
Nadere: Naked women are powerful.
Taim: Yes, they are. Now show your power.
Elayne: I know it’s a sacred, ancient tradition, but I’m Elayne.
Nadere: Then wear this cloak.
Amys: Abracadabra. You two are now sisters.
Elayne: Light, I have found my sister!
Aviendha: We really are bored.
Taim: I’m not.
------------
Reene Harfor: I would like Halwin Norry the accountant to become my brother. Amys: Get naked. Abracadabra. Brother

and sister.
-------------
Flinn: I would like Eben Hopwill to become my son.
Amys: Naked. Abracadabra. Father and son.
-------------
Loial: I would like this plant to become my own plant.
Amys: Naked. Abracadabra. Ogier and plant.
------------
Elyas: Something tells me this Prophet is insane.
Perrin: Yes. Something about putting two and two together tells me I get four.
Elyas: Yes, I never trusted two and two. Bloody numbers.
------------
Berelain: You were frozen, so I helped you by taking off your clothes and putting you in my tent.
Perrin: You have a unique way of helping people. I feel strangely satisfied.
Berelain: Oh, I helped myself too. Abracadabra.
------------
Masema: Your ta'veren-ness has forced me to accept Traveling to find your wife.
Perrin: Strange that yesterday, my Ta’veren-ness couldn’t force you to accept Traveling to join the Dragon Reborn.
Masema: Must have been switched off.
-------------
Cadsuane: I must ignore the Dragon Reborn.
Sorilea: Why are you ignoring him?
Cadsuane: Because he threatened me when I threatened him.
Sorilea: How will you ignore him?
Cadsuane: By following him around.
Sorilea: Following him around is a strange way to ignore him.
Cadsuane: By always being around him, I will make him truly see how much I am ignoring him. I will stand next to him,

but then I will turn my head the other way. Or if he says, "Hey, Cadsuane," I will say, "Was that the wind?" That

will teach him whatever it is I am trying to teach him.
Sorilea: You have no idea what you are doing, do you?
Cadsuane: No, but that will not stop me from acting important.
Sorilea: Perhaps you should make up a plan.
Cadsuane: Okay. My plan is to use my ignoring of him to teach him to laugh, and then teach him to cry.
Sorilea: How will you do this?
Cadsuane: With my back turned to him, I will crack a couple of jokes, and then back-kick him in the shin.
-------------
Birgitte: You almost got yourself killed by leaving me behind again, when you wandered around the streets alone. You

need protection.
Elayne: How dare you. I’ve never needed protection, except for trapped by Liandrin at Falme, the bandits in Cairhien,

the Black Ajah in Tear, Moghedien in Tanchico, Ronde Macura in Amadicia, and the gholam in Ebou Dar. Now don’t give

me any bodyguards.
Daved Hanlon: Need help with your latest attackers, my lady?
Elayne: Certainly. And how may I reward you?
Daved Hanlon: Let me have ample chances to assassinate you.
Elayne: Certainly.
-------------
Elayne: Rand, I love you. Now get me naked.
Rand: shouldn’t there be some romance or spontaneity in this?
Elayne: No.
Amys: Get naked. Abracadabra. Dragon and eighteen-year old unwed mother.
------------
Nynaeve: So how is your neverending march to Tar Valon?
Egwene: Great. we’re actually marching in place, so we’ll never get there. Nynaeve: That's good. For a second, I

thought one of us women was actually going to DO something.
Egwene: Now you’re being as wool-headed as a man!
Nynaeve: I know. It must be marriage. Well, I’m off to being turned upside-down by Windfinders.
--------------
Thom: You have a week to leave town. How is your neverending evacuation going?
Mat: Great. I’m actually creating more impossible work for myself to do, which will help delay my leaving, and

probably help get me caught.
Thom: Good. For a second, I thought one of us men was going to DO something.
Mat: No. I’ve learned to be as wool-headed as the women. Well, I’m off to help rescue seven strangers using some

dresses and a smile.
----------------------------
Rochaid: You are as foolish as a newborn puppy.
Rand: You are as dead as a man with my fist in his throat.
-----------------------------
Lan: Nynaeve has sacrificed herself for you. Rand: How? Lan: To be near you, she lets Cadsuane call her "Accepted."

Rand: That sounds horrible. Maybe next time, she can be the one who takes a never-healing, near-mortal wound, and I

can be called "Accepted." Lan: I don’t know if you could take the pain.
------------
Min: Fain challenges you to a fight.
Rand: I will be there. A trap isn’t a trap, if you know it’s a trap.
Min: Like a chair isn’t a chair, if you know it’s a chair?
Rand: Exactly. Min: So what are you sitting on?
Rand: Not a chair.
Min: Because you know it’s a chair?
Rand: Exactly.
Min: Then you are not an idiot.
------------
Fain: This time, we shall finish it, al'Thor!
Rand: Yes, we shall, my mortal enemy.
Fain: Only one man shall survive.
Rand: Prepare to be locked in a deadly dance.
Fain: Of death.
Rand: Good fight. See you later.
Fain: You too.
Lan: didn’t we have a safe exit plan, involving climbing down to lower buildings?
Rand: A safe exit plan isn’t a safe exit plan, if you know it's . . .
Lan: Oh, shut up.
----------
Elza: The Great Lord will be happy with me if I kill Dashiva. He couldn’t be anyone important.
Dark Lord: ELZA. FACE THE BIG VOICE.
Elza: Damn.
Dark Lord: GET NAKED. ABRACADABRA. YOU ARE A TOAD.

Crossroads of Twilight

Glimmers of a Plot:

Yukiri: We are hot on the trail of the Black Ajah.
Seaine: Yes. Soon we will be able to do something.
Yukiri: Unless they do something first.
Seaine: Yes, unless they do something first.
Yukiri: Yes.
Seaine: Yes.
-----------------
Rodel: I am The Wolf. I am a great general.
One-Eyed Sidekick #3: Yes, my Lord.
Rodel: I have a plan. Soon we will do something.
One-Eyed Sidekick #3: Unless someone else does something first.
Rodel: Yes.
One-Eyed Sidekick #3: Yes.
------------
Egwene: I am forming a plan to deal with Elaida.
Gareth: I could invade Tar Valon.
Egwene: Are you trying to do something?
Gareth: Won’t happen again.
Egwene: Good, now let me return to my nothing.
----------------
Davram: The other Andoran Houses are surrounding Caemlyn.
Bael: They look prepared to do something.
Davram: That’s just what they want you to think.
Deira: I’ve been attacked. Someone did something.
Davram: Who would dare.
Deira: Obviously someone evil.
--------------
Elayne: I am gathering useless Houses to my cause for Andor. I am forming a plan to do something.
Birgitte: What will you do?
Elayne: Take a bath. Then meet some more people from useless Houses.
Birgitte: That’s stupid.
Elayne: You don’t understand what it is to be a Queen.
Birgitte: I understand what it is to not be an idiot.
Elayne: Exactly. Now pass the Royal Soap.
------------------
Perrin: We can’t catch up to a moving city of Aiel using Travelling.
Elyas: You can’t catch up to a couple hundred thousand people tramping on foot through snow, when you have the use of

Travelling?
Perrin: Well, we’re flying around the globe, hoping to hit them.
Elyas: Perhaps you could order the Asha’man to move your army in smaller spaces.
Perrin: Are you trying to force something to happen?
Elyas: By the Light, I apologize.
Perrin: I forgive you. Now pass the brooding chair.
------------
Aviendha: The Aiel have a magical trick called, “Checking the Baby.”
Elayne: This is the most riveting scene I’ll ever have.
----------------
Faile: It’s very important to describe how painstakingly I hand wash Sevanna’s silk.
Sevanna: Have you been trying to do something?
Faile: Yes.
Sevanna: Tie her up and leave her outside.
------------------
Morgase: I must remember how many times I’ve been captured. Four? Five? I hope I’ve passed that skill onto my

daughter. She needs to learn how to become a Queen.
-----------------
Perrin: There is a trail of Darkhounds dangerously circling my camp. Threatening for something to happen. Dangerous.

Something might happen. Dangerous. Oh, they ran away. Good. Back to nothing.
----------
Delana: People are talking about talking with Elaida.
Egwene: They are talking about talking with Elaida!
Alanna: How can this be?
Morvrin: Lunacy.
Beonin: We must talk about what their talking about talking means.
Sheriam: As long as we’re not actually DOING something, we should be okay.
Egwene: Good plan. Now let me get back to the nothing that I was working on.
Halima: Headache for your headache?
Egwene: You’re my most trusted friend.
---------------
Mat: It is Time to Be Gone.
Noal: Yes it is.
Mat: As soon as we are ready to leave in an incredibly slow manner, I’ll let you know.
----------------
Rand: You must stop bonding Aes Sedai.
Logain: Why?
Rand: Because you’re making me look lazy.
-----------------
Perrin: The whole world can burn until I get Faile. I vow that I will never rest until I hold her in my…..
Masema: That town has grain.
Perrin: Time for a grain break.
Everyone: GRAIN BREAK!
---------------------
Rand: Arrange for a truce with the Seanchan.
Davram: Why?
Rand: Because I need more naked time with Min.
------------
Tuon: Toy.
Mat: Tuon.
Noal: I now pronounce you idiot and wife.
------------------
Perrin: I’ve cut off my enemy’s hand. I feel terrible.
Elyas: Why?
Perrin: I’ve just done something!
Elyas: What will you do?
Perrin: Throw away my axe so it can never happen again. From now on, I’m carrying a pillow.
Elyas: If I keep staying around you, I’ll need one.
-------------
Egwene: I’m off to do something.
Siuan: What?
Egwene: None of your business. Now, if memory serves, I gently ease my foot into the trap like this.
--------------
Bashere: The Seanchan want you to meet their leader – The Fake Princess.
Rand: To Be Continued.
Bashere: What?
Rand: Nothing, I just thought it would sound good if I said that.
__________________

Did you stay up all night and read through the day? The book just came out yesterday! I actually don't know how long the print version is but I'm going to assume its as long as all the others (1000 pages).

I bought this one on audio book because I'm spending a lot of time traveling for work these days but probably won't get to tart it til Friday.

EDIT: didn't read NBMs post and your response before posting this. Whoops!

Bah!

You finished it already? It came out yesterday!

I can't wait to start it, almost done re-reading the series for the third time in preparation (I haven't even bought it yet).

Finished it this morning at 3:30 am.

I stopped reading at Crown of Swords and never looked back. It was just way to much of "later the same day" and no real progress to the story.

Those novels started what is commonly known as the PloD - Plotline of Doom. Because it drug out for SOOOOOO long.

Jordan really got carried away.

If you started the series but stopped in that area, I highly recommend just reading the wikipedia entries for what happened in ACoS, the Path of Daggers, and Winter's Heart. You could even do the same for Crossroads of Twilight. Then start actually reading again with Knife of Dreams (the last one written solely by Jordan), the Gathering Storm (first one with Sanderson writing based on Jordan's notes), Towers of Midnight, and finally a Memory of Light.

I tried just that - reading the wikipedia summary by chapter, starting on aCoS. And even THAT seemed bogged down enough that I quit.

The first 6 books were so much fun but I like a bit of tidiness to my reading enjoyment.

So bob writes a book, gets a contract for a bunch of books, and what
should have been a trilogy, I mean look how well it would have ended
at three... The publisher calls bookthirst. more wheel more wheel!
So now as a writer bob has to figure out how to drag that #### out.
I'm just spitballing that, but the way it came off really fits.

>Those novels started what is commonly known as the PloD -
>Plotline of Doom. Because it drug out for SOOOOOO long.
>
>Jordan really got carried away.
>
>If you started the series but stopped in that area, I highly
>recommend just reading the wikipedia entries for what happened
>in ACoS, the Path of Daggers, and Winter's Heart. You could
>even do the same for Crossroads of Twilight.

I went to the WoT wiki and read a few and laughed hysterically when I read Winter's Heart, then read Crossroads of Twilight (Spoilers below) "Later that same day..."

Perrin Aybara continues trying to rescue his wife Faile Bashere, kidnapped by the Shaido Aiel, even resorting to torturing prisoners for information. In addition, Perrin is approached with the suggestion of alliance with the Seanchan, at least on a temporary basis, to defeat the Shaido.

Mat Cauthon continues trying to escape Seanchan-controlled territory while courting Tuon, the Daughter of the Nine Moons, the woman whom he has kidnapped and who, it has been prophesied, will become his wife. Mat discovers that Tuon, as a potential sul'dam, can be taught to channel the One Power.

Elayne Trakand continues trying to solidify her hold on the Lion Throne of Andor.

Rand al'Thor, the Dragon Reborn, rests after the ordeal of cleansing the One Power. He sends Davram Bashere, Logain Ablar, and Loial to negotiate a truce with the Seanchan. They return at the end of the book to tell him that the Seanchan have accepted the truce, but demand the presence of the Dragon Reborn.

Egwene leads the rebel Aes Sedai in maintaining the siege of Tar Valon. At the end of the book, she is kidnapped by agents of the White Tower.

There are two-three books that are essentially telling the story of what happened during one day, to all the different major characters around the world.

The reason is that the "one day" is the cleansing of Saidin, which (aside from the Last Battle) is pretty much the biggest damn thing to happen in the world since the Breaking of the world 3000 years ago.

It's just that Jordan took SOOOO long to describe each person's day as they eventually approach the point where there is this huge amount of the One Power being channeled.

nt

I started reading the series in about the year ending with Crown of Swords coming out (so that one I read at release) and by the time the next book after that came out, I felt like I'd need to reread the whole series to remember what was going on, and I just had no interest in doing it.

I second Twist's idea. If you read more than book one, it's completely worthwhile to look up a summary or two and get back in. The "Gathering of Storms"/Tower of Midnight/Memory of Light is awesome with the last book being so much action I felt like it should have been done in the prologue. Also morally and thematically satisfying when it comes together.