Thu Nov 5 21:07:26 2015

At 5 o'clock PM, Day of Deception, 30th of the Month of the Shadows
on the Theran calendar Khazhrim perished, never to return.

Race:	dwarf
Class:	paladin
Level:	51
Alignment:	Neutral
Ethos:	Neutral
Cabal:	HERALD, the Heralds of the Eternal Star
Age:	243
Hours:	331

Ooooooh man. It's going to take me a while to stop typing in dwarf-speak reflexively.

I struggle with the goodbye thing. There were so many great people in Khazhrim's life, Mortal and Immortal, and I had some of the most fun I've ever had in a decade playing. Lots of firsts. First dwarf paladin, first trip to hell (yes, arguably not the best two to combine.) First alignment change, first sex change, yada yada.

Raltevio, Umiron, thanks so much for weighing in. You both are dead on with all of your points. It WAS a struggle to rectify these two aspects of the character, Herald diplomat and evil-hating paladin, and I did my best to RP that while I tried to figure it out. It started feeling frustrating towards the end, like these two aspects were two sides of a see-saw and I couldn't improve one without detracting from the other.

And when I was turned neutral, Umiron you are right, all I could think was "Man...I just spent 331 hours doing my best to RP the most good natured, helpful, available and inspiring good aligned character to all the land and I'm getting flushed for loving me some orc and letting a bull perpetrate my bobbom.... ;-)" I was upset and wanted to argue, sorry about that. I see the point though, it's just the way it has to be with the Paladin class, a bit less wiggle room where RP leeway is concerned. Live and learn, twists and turns.

I got myself rallied up to try to get redemption, but I think the hanging point for me was..."well..what will I do differently?" I don't feel like Khaz is a neutral spirit, despite the alignment change, and it didn't feel...right? Like roleplaying trying to "get good again" when he never stopped being "good" was really forced. I did seek out the "all-seeing" over the course of a week, but never caught him...logins just felt sad, everyone was really nice but it was like I had a terminal illness, lots of pity, although well-intended.

Umiron, re: me being a bit thin skinned, yep, you're right. I also hate it and am trying to change. I really tend to get into my characters...playing a loud, coarse, "mouthy dwarf" REALLY exacerbated me, the player's, feelings of frustration--like Khazhrim was inspiring me to be a grouch and less easygoing.

Where PK is concerned, I'm just good enough at it that I expect to win some of the time, which is my downfall. I get frustrated when I screw up, and it usually takes me a few beats to let it go and forgive myself for losing. I HOPE I'm self aware enough that I don't let it make me break role. Honestly, I am trying to avoid PK these days because I get more enjoyment from the other aspects of the game and generally find the rush isn't worth the rest that comes with it.

As far as getting looted goes, the only thing that REALLY bothered me was the infamous thief that level sat in the teens with his giant mercenary and stole, well, everything I owned when I died to the Warchief. I'm not sure I'll ever get used to poor sportsmanship in CF. When I'm confronted with it I tend to get miffed, which is silly because it's just a part of CF. In this regard, I'll probably always struggle though. I just don't understand those who enjoy ruining other people's fun. I think that was the goal of the character, really--to be the exact opposite, to have a positive and constructive impact on people's experience!


So, some goodbyes, please post if I miss you and I will respond...there were so so so many people that Khazhrim interacted with, either in passing or for periods of his life. Being a Bartender meant I had lots of conversations in passing, helped lots of folks with incidental things, and in general had a great time just meeting people and interacting, relishing the RP.


Whiysdan: YOU, sir, should probably get Khaz's named tattooed on your body this upcoming Friday the 13th as penance for disappearing on me. I love/hate you as always.

Raltevio: I, sir, am very grateful to you for the impact you had on Khaz's character development. Just the right amount of the stick to make me realize how good the carrot I had really was. So I turned up the Heralding another notch, and really really enjoyed it. I'm honored you thought I did well as a Herald. I'll definitely be back with a character that doesn't have obligatory racial hatreds or proclivity for pk! PS I'll beat Bildot about the head and shoulders for you if I see him floating around in the Aether.

Daphedee: Really enjoyed having you as a high herald--it seemed like you were the perfect mix of motherly leadership and stern high elf when needed. Sorry to let you down, but at least I won't be breaking any more bottles dancing on the bar.

Xoog: Khazhrim carried around the plush doll thing for his entire life hugging it and talking to it about Xoogy after you left. I think that says enough.

Bildot: My dearest Billygoat. Your eccentric wanderings grew increasingly sporadic towards the end before Khazhrim's retirement from adventure, and we all missed you a great deal. Wonderful character, great friend.

Kowelu: YOU, sir, were the only evil I considered a friend. We saw eye to eye on a lot of things like you said, and in the beginning I was really wary of you...in the end, I wouldn't have trusted anyone more.

Knodeet: Oh, Knodeet. You are one of those amazing ones that I was lucky to interact with. You reminded me of Xoog and I half suspected that maybe you were the same person. The thought warmed my spirit. I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW OFTEN YOU DIED early on--we all figured you'd be gone shortly and you were. I wish you had been a bit more conservative though cause loved your company.

Miakoda: An enigma wrapped inside a mystery tied up in a pretty wood elf package. Loved our travels and having you around, but you'd disappear from time to time and Khaz was always suspicious that you were out doing dastardly things. ;-)

Olo: You were there a lot early on, we had some great adventures and you clearly knew waaaaay more about where we were going than I did. I could always rely on you to get us through the really really complicated hard parts, only to then immediately do something like walk us into a clearly labeled death trap. *facepalm* *hug*

Dundlin: Khazhrim's favorite dwarf, hands down. We never ended up fighting, you respected the Inn and Khaz respected that.

Worthag: My favorite orc. Our fights reminded me sometimes of two glaciers crashing together. One slip up and things could go south quickly...Khaz developed a grudging respect for you, which isn't cool for a dwarf, man, not cool at all. But he couldn't help it. Too much alcohol shared at the Inn, I suspect.

Akresius: Thanks for the cool interaction when I killed Sodsob early on--the encouragement like that, surprise things, really give players a thrill and add depth to the experience!


I'm pretty tired and my brain is already bad with names so I'm going to wrap this up.

Thanks again, everyone, and I'll see you in the fields.

Khaz

gr

There was this facepalm moment when I was telling you a story to cheer you up from being fulled. And Adira popped up and killed you at the bar.

And then she wondered why I wanted her dead. Lol.

Sorry it took me so long. You were awesome. You gave me my first blade and so much more from there. You were a huge highlight in my character's life. Thank you.

was me, you, and that bard plowing through nightwalkers. i went from 41 to 51 in basically 1 hour leading our group through there on double exp night. it was wild, best ranking i've had since 1999 with Leika (Andaren's storm paladin). told you it'd be worth it!

after that, i never saw you again!


azure monk with light vuln and great tanking
dwarf 2hander for damage
bard for healing and redux. although we ranked so fast the healing wasn't even needed

sick sick

But yours was the best dwarf and herald RP I've seen on CF. Just awesome.

I really liked this char too.

For a herald, damn tough. Sent me running every time I think.

Good dwarf rp too.

Not sure where the poor paladin stuff comes from as I missed all that, but I did wonder how you could explore with heralds when they were taking evils along.

Such as having a supremely evil item in the inventory was a minor thing, being a little too friendly with evils outside the Inn. The major one was the trip to the Inferno (as a paladin) though.

This sort of thing is crappy from the perspective of a staff member, I mean, nobody feels good having to enforce these things. (You can tell actually, both Umi and I were waiting for the Auto to post. We had hoped that Khaz would bounce back.)

I did really enjoy the character, and it wasn't a vindictive attempt to ruin someone's fun. All of the staff involved were hoping for a redemption, but I get that it's hard work and not fun to players to go for it.

All in all, RP standards are pretty relaxed right now, paladins are one of those classes which have a fairly high power level overall, but rely on enforced RP standards to have some constraints.

Bleh. I really loved Khaz, but I think I'd have struggled with squaring Dwarf Pally with Herald too. Overall the character was fun and interesting for much of their life though.

In the beginning you were a good(ish) paladin and a poor Herald. By the end you were a great Herald and a dubious paladin. I would have struggled to reconcile the two RP facets too though.

As an aside, just to put things in context- I don't think you had a particularly easy run of things with respect to the align shift. However, you did do quite well in several aspects such as Imm Xp (one of the highest in the MUD) and the second highest ImmXp/hr of any character.

Anyway, I'm personally sorry this character faded away in terms of enjoyment. By the end of the character you had won me over where Herald stuff was concerned and though our hours rarely overlapped after the summer due to differing time zones, I'd often watch you if I was online.

Khahzrim will be greatly missed and you're welcome in Herald back any time. Good luck with whatever comes next.

Khazhrim clearly struggled to be both a good Herald and a good Paladin, and hey, that can be a tough row to hoe. In the end, he'll go down as a more successful Herald than Paladin, or goodie in general for that matter. Khaz felt like a neutral dwarf warrior in a Paladin's uniform, but in as good of a way as that can be meant.

You did some things that just weren't kosher and when you caught flak for it, your defense seemed to be "... but I'm doing this other, non-relevant thing really well!", and to your credit you were. You also seemed pretty bummed (understandable) and disenfranchised when your luck, as it were, changed. I would remind you that even after your patron god became less active and you ended up neutral (those two things being unrelated, obviously), you were still getting a good deal of interaction from immortals and were, upon your death, one of the most rewarded characters around.

My last thought is that you, the player, seemed to have a bit of a thin skin and a short fuse. Whether it was your reaction to things we did (e.g., docking alignment) or IC events like being looted, you really came off the tracks hard and fast. On the flip side, after a cool down you bounced back really well and I'm glad because a lot of people got a lot of enjoyment out of having Khazhrim around. In that sense, I would consider Khazhrim a success despite the circumstances that may or may not have led you to let him auto.

Good luck with your next.