Role

Chapter 5

Sorrow is ever at my side.
Added Mon Feb 6 11:43:56 2012 at level 35:

I heard once that there's no substitution for experience. Like a good halberd
though, it cuts both ways. Figure some things I'd rather not experience but all
in all I think that's true. Nobody can tell you how it feels to finally meet
with a god, much less the one to whom you've pledged. You just have to go
through it to understand. You think you know what they'll be like, but you
can't help but base it on your own, mortal, perspectives. And that's just
flawed from the start. Being lucky enough now to have spoken with three or
four has changed me, I'll tell you that, though in some ways I can't even
explain. I will tell you that hearing praise from the Imperator was close to
the best thing in my life since... since. No I'm not crying! Don't make me
stick you like a boar. Where was I?

All of that's well and good but it's icing, not the meal, and life's for living
and I'm mortal so that's what I've gotta do. I realized yesterday that I can't
quite make out all the little features of Gregr's face anymore. I feel like a
part of me is dying now, dying like he did but taking much longer. I try to
console myself with the idea that the blood of these selfish magic-greedy people
does something to wash away my guilt, something to give him joy wherever he is
now. I swear to Akresius I believe it but somewhere deep inside I can't help
but doubt. I don't know where he is, what he's become, even if he's become
anything at all. But I can't, I won't stop now. Ever. He deserves at least
this much from me, and I won't fail him again. I don't know why these others
I've joined fight as they do - what do these drow or fire giants know of doing
what's best for all thera? - but they do, and even if they are sometimes worse
than a pack of schoolgirls fighting over a hairpin I've come to call the place
home not just in name but in heart. The question now is how to transform
personal into wider victory. I've done well in my combat, and I will continue,
but I'm not fool enough to think I can do it alone, forever. It is this ragtag
bunch of villagers that needs to be the army that does the job, and inspires
others to do so as well. To create from this muck and blood and gore something
beautiful that will show the rest of thera the righteousness of our cause. I
don't know what that is yet, but that's what I'll be thinking about. Now stop
just sitting there and go refill the jug. New batch from Akan I want to try.