Role

Chapter 12

There are days when Damil sometimes wonders if she is cursed. Being a bit on
guard and being hypersensitive to perceived patterns can produce such
thoughts. Damil tells Celedyl that the next time they met, she wants to share
more of herself, and then Celedyl is gone. Damil asks Croder about their
connection and he's gone. Merthoc tells Damil she will be around and then
she's gone. Time and time again, Damil starts to open up and it ends up
being a false start. And all of this produces frustration and irritation. Is
it mourning?

All of it comes from a selfish place. How they should have stayed longer,
given her more of their time, did more for her and so on. Damil believes she
tries hard to understand others and to recognize deeper feelings from others.
That she tries hard to open up and there was simply not enough time. That she
tries to mimic certain behaviors. She remembers Garrick doesn't like fish.
She carries the veil Merthoc gave her. All the little things to show she's
paying attention or she can pretend to understand something like
sentimentality. So when they disappear, for one reason or another, Damil
cannot help but feel like it was a waste of time.

But Damil is wrong. Beneath it all, even she knows she's wrong. Every time
there is an attempt, successful or not, wisdom can be gained as long as one
is receptive to it. And beneath that perceived shallowness there is a deeper
current where feelings are developing and being experienced. Feelings are,
after all, often selfish. In her later years, Damil finally realized what she
was trying to express and understand all along. Love.