Role

Chapter 9

Journal,

After more than a century in this War, I have finally made a mistake.
No longer am I able to stand near a Squire or Maran who is rocked by
guilt and offer only theoritical niceties on making mistakes and living
with them.

Now, I must figure out how to live with my own mistake.

Tia and I were pursuing Girf, through the Prosimy, when a young Girl
stepped in front of my Flare intended for Girf. That dark priest, so
fond of hiding in the trees, had been giving us quite a fight and I
found myself fatigued, losing focus, and then...

I feel as though I am being torn slowly apart inside, the slow turn of the
meat grinder's crank eating my innards and making food seem unpalatable.

This conflict within, is unlike anything I've felt. I KNOW beyond any doubt
that this is a moment I need to lead by example. I KNOW the good I have done
for the Light is a mountain compared to the single anthill of my mistake...but
to that girl, to that girl's family, it is an entire mountain range of grief.

I judged Naevar so harshly for prostrating himself, for crying, and showing
such...weakness isn't the correct term...perhaps lack of resolve towards the
difficult parts of our war.

Well, now I understand. I wish to scream, to cry, to rage against the sky and
snow. To take back the spell that ended the young girl's life. It distracts
me throughout my day, this feeling, and causes me to lose focus and doubt my
own place.

Light, please give me the strength to hold the faith. Faith in myself, that
I am a Good man who has bad days, not a bad man doing good things most days.

Faith that I am who the Light needs me to be, and that I am but a mortal, who
may make mistakes but is greater than the sum of his failures. Faith that
I can continue to serve the Storm's Light, and lead by example.

I do not know how to begin to forgive myself...Perhaps I do not deserve to be
forgiven, perhaps this is the burden of the Maran, the difficult pain that has
no physical manifestation.

I need to work on accepting the fact that I am imperfect...yet that does not
make me any less valuable a tool for the Light...and that has always been my
purpose in this life. I need to set an example that inspires.


Aehwic.