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DurNominatorMon 26-Feb-07 01:37 AM
Member since 08th Nov 2004
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#1006, "Good base work, my iteration of this piece."


          

>You’re walking through the woods, enjoying the lovely spring
>day, the tinkling brook peacefully drifting nearby, the leaves
>rustling in the pleasant breeze, not a care in the world, when
>all of a sudden BAM!!! someone steps out from camouflage and
>ambushes you, putting you in a world of pain!

Two and a half line sentence is too long to read. I suggest breaking it down to three sentences. Also, the BAM!!! was disrupting the sentence structure. Whether to keep it or not is up to the Imms. As for the end, we can use the list of options what ranger does in the form Tim, Bob or Joe instead of Tim, or Bob, or Joe. With these modifications, it takes the form:

You’re walking through the woods, enjoying the lovely spring day. The tinkling brook peacefully drifts nearby and the leaves rustle in the pleasant breeze. You are without a care in the world, when all of a sudden, someone steps out from his camouflage and ambushes you, putting you in a world of pain! Before you can even react he has hit you with a quick serpent strike, charged at you like a bear to knock you down and keep you from fleeing or called a swarm of mosquitos to bite you viciously. Quicker than you can imagine, you’re dead, and your corpse has been butchered into tasty steaks.

Second chapter. There is more than one ranger in CF, so a ranger. My gut tells me that it's in Carrion Fields, Graatch put at, but I'm not changing it to the text since I'm not sure. Imms choose whichever is more appropriate. I feel that a the effect of wilderness hours should be mentioned in this chapter. I'll take a stab at that, but it might need more iterating for the final product

Who is this killer of the natural world? This denizen of forests, deserts, mountains, caverns, and all places wild? He is a ranger, and in the world of Thera at Carrion Fields, he is a force to be reckoned with. A ranger is a warrior of the wilds, a fighter most at home in the wilderness and less so in civilized places like cities and roads. Adept at fighting in natural terrain of all types, rangers satisfy the cool calculating calm of the player seeking a patient stalker as well as the lust for instant and exciting action. A ranger gains much of his power from his familiarity of the wilds, and woe is the ranger who spends his time in Taverns or cities instead of wilderness, for he will forget the ways of the wilds and thus lose much of his power.

Third chapter: Why use confusing expression to say that no two rangers are alike? A ranger is ranger, even though rangers are different. Also, why advertise expertises before you've mentioned what it is?

No two rangers will be exactly alike. Each ranger at cf has not one but two major decisions to make upon character creation.

Chapter 4= OK.

>First, choose your terrain. Are you a desert mercenary,
>guarding caravans and sultans in the sand? Then Bedouin is
>for you. Do the deep caves and caverns of the world below the
>surface appeal to you? Caverndwellers were designed for you.
>Love the crisp air and scraggly beauty of the hilltops? You
>were born to be a mountaineer. Mariners, Plainsrunners and
>Marshdwellers round out the terrain choices with water, plains
>and swamps, allowing you a diversity found nowhere else.

Chapter 5. Here, I find it useful to refer to the major decisions way of presenting this in chapter 3, similarly to chapter 4, which starts with first. Adding Graatch's advertisements of expertises I clipped from chapter 3 to this part is worth considering.

The second major decision is choosing your expertise. Perhaps you want to be a forest mage, using your years of life in the wilds to educate yourself in the ways of nature magic? An animist does exactly that. Or maybe you’ve always wanted to be the hunter, firing your bow with deadly accuracy. Then a hunter you shall be! Perhaps wanderlust grips your soul, with an undeniable urge to see the world in all its wonders, both beautiful and grotesque. Explorer rangers are uniquely adept for such travels. Beastmasters and Savages round out the list, offering unprecedented variety in character building.

Not mistakes or poor choises that catch my eye in quick glance in the rest of the piece.

  

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HOT TopicUpgrade the Web Page! Step 1: Class pages: [View all] , Valguarnera, Tue 21-Apr-09 08:38 AM
Reply Here's a stab at rangers., (NOT Graatch), 25-Feb-07 09:36 PM, #54
Reply Good base work, my iteration of this piece., DurNominator, 26-Feb-07 11:31 PM #56
Reply Shapeshifter File, Verakh (Guest), 24-Feb-07 02:31 PM, #51
Reply BTW:, Daevryn, 22-Feb-07 01:19 PM, #47
Reply Can we still submit stuff?, Tac, 22-Feb-07 01:44 PM, #48
     Reply Absolutely. (nt/), Daevryn, 22-Feb-07 01:45 PM, #49
Reply Prize Summary!, Valguarnera, 09-Feb-07 10:19 PM, #38
Reply Yay! txt, LarrcatLazy (Guest), 10-Feb-07 12:25 AM, #39
Reply Done!, Valguarnera, 10-Feb-07 12:29 AM, #40
     Reply RE: Done!, Vershelt (Anonymous), 10-Feb-07 09:02 AM, #41
          Reply Ditto nt, Tac, 10-Feb-07 11:31 AM, #42
Reply Hrm., DeathClaw-lazy (Guest), 13-Feb-07 11:40 AM, #43
Reply And yet another one --- Paladins, LarcatLazy (Guest), 09-Feb-07 08:50 PM, #37
Reply You said you wanted finished product on monday., graatchman (Guest), 07-Feb-07 03:35 PM, #35
Reply RE: You said you wanted finished product on monday., Valguarnera, 07-Feb-07 03:42 PM, #36
Reply And another one -- Shamans, Larcat, 03-Feb-07 05:07 PM, #33
Reply Revised draft warrior page., (NOT Graatch), 01-Feb-07 09:42 PM, #25
Reply I'd put in a bit more regarding lagging skills, hopeful..., elmeri_, 03-Feb-07 02:59 PM, #30
Reply RE: I'd put in a bit more regarding lagging skills, hop..., graatchman (Guest), 03-Feb-07 05:07 PM, #32
Reply I take it you didn't much care for the additions? n/t, Graatchman (Guest), 07-Feb-07 03:35 PM, #34
Reply Posted!, Daevryn, 13-Feb-07 01:13 AM, #44
     Reply RE: Posted!, (NOT Graatch), 13-Feb-07 11:40 AM, #45
     Reply RE: Posted!, Graatchman (Guest), 24-Feb-07 02:31 PM, #53
     Reply RE: Posted!, DC-Lazy (Guest), 26-Feb-07 11:31 PM, #57
Reply Sample Logs., Mek (Guest), 01-Feb-07 03:55 PM, #23
Reply This sounds like a really solid idea., elmeri_, 03-Feb-07 02:59 PM, #31
Reply Shapeshifters - Quick first draft, Tac, 01-Feb-07 12:01 PM, #22
Reply Couple things to add off the top of my head:, Daevryn, 01-Feb-07 12:10 PM, #58
     Reply RE: Couple things to add off the top of my head:, Verakh (Guest), 24-Feb-07 02:31 PM, #52
          Reply Some retouching of this, DurNominator, 25-Feb-07 09:36 PM, #55
Reply Conjurers, DC-Lazy (Guest), 31-Jan-07 03:54 PM, #18
Reply Assorted Commentary:, Daevryn, 31-Jan-07 04:44 PM, #19
Reply RE: Assorted Commentary:, DC-Lazy (Guest), 31-Jan-07 09:43 PM, #20
Reply Reworked this a bit and put it up, btw. (n/t), Daevryn, 23-Feb-07 11:34 AM, #50
Reply Has nothing to do with classes but..., Zulghinlour, 31-Jan-07 12:20 PM, #12
Reply Zulg rocks!, Sandello, 31-Jan-07 02:06 PM, #15
     Reply RE: Zulg rocks!, Daevryn, 31-Jan-07 02:50 PM, #17
          Reply Not to hijack the thread.., Lazy Vargal (Guest), 02-Feb-07 08:42 AM, #26
               Reply RE: Not to hijack the thread.., Daevryn, 02-Feb-07 08:43 AM, #27
                    Reply RE: Not to hijack the thread.., Marcus_, 02-Feb-07 02:18 PM, #28
                    Reply Just a heads up, TheDude, 02-Feb-07 02:18 PM, #29
Reply Took a quick stab at a warrior page draft. Enjoy., (NOT Graatch), 30-Jan-07 10:12 PM, #6
Reply This isn't really helpful..., Tac, 31-Jan-07 12:32 AM, #7
Reply RE: Took a quick stab at a warrior page draft. Enjoy., Daevryn, 31-Jan-07 11:19 AM, #10
     Reply RE: Took a quick stab at a warrior page draft. Enjoy., (NOT Graatch), 31-Jan-07 02:06 PM, #14
          Reply RE: Took a quick stab at a warrior page draft. Enjoy., Daevryn, 31-Jan-07 02:49 PM, #16
               Reply RE: Took a quick stab at a warrior page draft. Enjoy., (NOT Graatch), 01-Feb-07 04:28 PM, #24
Reply Money - Mouth - Orcs, Tac, 30-Jan-07 10:12 PM, #5
Reply RE: Money - Mouth - Orcs, Tac, 31-Jan-07 10:07 AM, #8
     Reply RE: Money - Mouth - Orcs, Daevryn, 31-Jan-07 10:51 AM, #9
          Reply Yea that's a good piece of writing..., Tac, 31-Jan-07 12:43 PM, #11
               Reply This is what I have... (might be a little long), Tac, 31-Jan-07 02:06 PM, #13
                    Reply Futzed with this more and put it up! (n/t), Daevryn, 20-Feb-07 09:27 PM, #46
Reply Larcat's submission (druids), Valguarnera, 30-Jan-07 06:24 PM, #3
Reply My commentary:, Daevryn, 30-Jan-07 07:15 PM, #4
Reply Awesome! Thanks! And..., Tac, 30-Jan-07 03:07 PM, #1
     Reply Sure. Also, prize news!, Valguarnera, 30-Jan-07 03:08 PM, #2
          Reply More prizes., Valguarnera, 01-Feb-07 11:17 AM, #21
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