First, You, as a person, take a shield, and strap it to your arm. (I know, you don't have a shield, settle for a piece of cardboard)

Second, take an instrument and hold it in your other hand.(The instrument you want your bard to be playing, for the purpose of this example, we'll go with a wooden recorder, as that would probably be the easiest to hold).

Third, go to a bar and find a big mean bouncer dude.

Fourth, tell big mean bouncer dude that you can't cross the street to get a pack of smokes without running into nine guys who have had sex with his mother.

Fifth and finally, while keeping the cardboard taped to your arm, and playing the wooden recorder, try and punch big mean bouncer dude as he walks over to kick your ass.

If you can pull this off and survive without a trip to the hospital, I will personally learn how to code just so I can rewrite the dual wield code, for you.

PS. Have a nice day.

PPS. For those of you who don't seem to be able to tell the difference, yes, this is a joke, and is meant to be funny and not insulting, degrading or mean.