Hi, curious how the consensus deals with a problem I face
at a constant, and I would hope I'm not alone in.

My gf, absolutely despises this game, and we've gotten into
some pretty hefty fights over it. Generally, since I've moved
in with her, I strictly play only while she's at work, and even
then my time is limited because of other things I need to get
done with my online college, housework, etc.

Even so much as pulling up this and the other cf website just
to glance over any of my posts, recent logs, etc., she can
instantly go into bitch-on-wheels mode.

At this very moment, she's in another room all upset and in
a huffy over yet Another fight, because as she's putting her
son in for a bath (he's generally here every other weekend,
and this specific time, bath/before bed is about an hour or
so of free time) then afterwards going to read to him before
bed.. So.. for the first time in a long time, I log in while
she's actually in the house.

Granted, I could have been looking at sites for dog adoption,
watched TV, or done pretty much ANYthing else, but simply because
I chose to throw my free time tonight on CF, we've got to have
another fight on how so much more important cf is than her.

I don't drink anymore, I don't gamble, I don't cheat, I don't
beat her.. I play CF, that's it. A many long years hobby, and
probably the single most thing I have, and do enjoy, as far as
when I'm not with her.

I honestly think that this is going to end up ruining our relationship, in that

1. I'm not quitting my hobby simply because she's jealous
2. Her sometimes outrageous jealousy of it, pisses me off
3. It's something I love, and I think is totally ####ed that
she's acting like this, knowing for the 2+yrs we've been
together (lived together 6mos) she's known damn well I've
been at this thing for nearly 8-9yrs strong.

Lastly.. I used to play insane hours, sometimes 20hrs a day
when I could pull it off. Now, I rarely get more than 35 in
a week, or more than a five or six hour session a day as it is.


Any one can relate, or offer some kind of advice? This is just
getting so old between me and her, and it's driving me crazy.


-Rogue

You put in a ####load of hours in a very short timespan. More than I think I've ever put in over that length of time. I can see why she'd be annoyed.

My wife doesn't "hate" the game per se, she just thinks it's stupid and unspeakably geeky. She does resent it when I fail to do something she's asked me to do, or put it off until later, because I was playing CF.

You admit you have played excessively in the past and your girlfriend's nerves have been rubbed raw due to the resulting neglect, apathy, and failure to meet her needs, that no amount of moderation will result in a reasonable response from her until you prove that it actually is in moderation. (No matter which way you slice it, playing 20 hours a day is not compatible with a healthy relationship) And, depending on your circumstances and how you are playing, 35 hours a week may not be moderation.

I have been there, many years ago, in college. I basically had to stop playing entirely for a period of time to let the wounds heal, and then when I came back, it was with a much more balanced approach.

It's not even about the number of hours you play so much as, are her needs being met. I'll tell you one thing you say that I find troubling:

"I don't drink anymore, I don't gamble, I don't cheat, I don't
beat her.. I play CF, that's it."

Is this what you believe qualifies you as an adequate boyfriend? If you do, you must expect her to have exceedingly low expectations. Presumably she has needs in the relationship. You need to meet those needs first, and play CF (or whatever other hobby) only after. If you are, for example, ignoring (or not even hearing) her when she tries to speak with you while you are engrossed in CF (a bone my now-husband used to pick with me, and still does once in a while), she is going to feel neglected, ignored, and generally unloved. This may mean reducing your playtime, it may not. It may mean scheduling "game nights" for yourself when you can make it clear that you are "otherwise occupied", and/or playing when she's not around, and filling her needs in other ways (bringing her flowers, cleaning the kitchen, taking her son off her hands for a while, etc.) It may mean simply accepting that you have to sometimes link-die or idle your character and accept the consequences so you can turn and pay attention to her when she needs it.

Sorry, but "Not beating her and cheating on her" doesn't cut it for any woman with even an ounce of self-esteem.

Now at the risk of sounding like I am just siding with your girlfriend, it doesn't sound like she's been the most effective communicator about this either, or that she's been taking any reasonable action to make things better in your relationship.

But you can't control her, you can only control you. Right now, you are both just blaming each other, and you'll get nowhere until either you or her is strong enough to lead the situation somewhere productive (and hopefully, the other will follow.) It takes two.

I can guarantee you if you just fold your arms and say "It's my hobby and she's just jealous and I'm going to play as I damn well please" the relationship is either over, or you are romantically involved with a doormat.

My wife now pretty much doesn't get too crazy about it, but there were times when we would go through periods just like you speak of. Insane fights that would end up in ridiculous ultimatums.

Now it's dwindled down to the occasional.

"Do you have to do THAT, now?!"

or

"Can you NOT do that, Tonight?!?"

Sometimes I oblige, sometimes I don't. In fact, just now I got a, "What are you doing?" To which I answered, "Answering a Post".

It's my hobby. She doesn't have a hobby. Sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's not. I think any time you devote time and effort to something that's NOT your s/o...depending on your s/o it can be a big or small issue.

I think they either get over it, or they don't. And if they don't...it's up to you how to deal with it. But don't ever feel bad or dirty about this hobby because as you said..it's a damn sight better than a lot of diversions out there.

I gave her so much "attention" she begged me to go play the game.

Actually, I have been married for 12 and a half years and have been playing what will be 12 years this October. I told her that she has to be good aligned and request my eq. If she is going to be evil and request my eq, I will become aggressive and attack her.

Now, after 12 years, I think she is neutral. She neither requests my eq nor does she bother me about it anymore.

nt

It would seem that she is jealous that you put so much time and effort on the mud and not her. That you can be so focused on it and not her.
I know my GF just didn't understand the game, didn't understand the rush, didn't understand that there is an actual psycological bonding that goes on with these strange bundle of 1s and 0s that are characters.

I'll tell you what worked for me. I sat her down, told her I loved her, that I was with her for the long haul. I told her that like eveyone I had different sides, and one very important one for me was my creative and imaginative side. This was what I got to exercise when I mudded, she needed to understand that not being able have this cathartic release left me feeling unhappy. So if she really loved me and wanted me to be happy she would let me have time to do what I loved to do. If the roles were reversed I would want her to do what made her happy.

So best advice is always give her a kiss and a hug after you get to play CF. Might be all she needs is to know that the 'other woman' is not a threat to her.

Good luck!

First I will go ahead and clarify that I am a dude, I'm just too lazy to create a new forum handle. When my wife and I got married, she wanted me down to 1hr a day, and that just wasn't working out. So pretty much the rule became, I can mud a little bit longer, just not excessively. Which is about as nebulus as rules get. However, let's just do some math here. There are 168 hours in a week. Forty hours for a job (I assume you are employed), 56 hours of sleep (assuming 8 hours a night), 35 hours of mudding, 1 hour a day for eating. Now not counting showers, bathroom, doing anything with friends, etc etc etc that leaves 5 hours a day for your girlfriend. Since she has a kid, some of that is being spent with the rug rat. I probably don't play any more than 2 hrs at a time lately. When my wife is not around I might play longer, but once you start to cut back it actually becomes difficult to stay on longer. Anyway just some things to consider.

Bobbyp