Role

Chapter 31

Journal, Page 19: Time
Added Sat Jan 11 13:40:32 2014 at level 51:

Such a fickle thing, isn't it? Thinking in your youth that you have all
the time in the world. That time is on your side all the time. By the
accounts of others, in my hundred and eighty years upon the world, I have
experienced more in life than most, walked more paths than many would
even dare to imagine. True, I have experienced much, but it doesn't make
me better than anyone else. For two centuries, I have squandered my own
time. Hid in the background whilst others hunted me. Done nothing when I
could have been out helping others.

Now, my inaction is catching up to me. Time is no longer on my side. Time
is no longer a luxury I have. Now it's a luxury I struggle to keep within
my grasp. I can only wonder how much more time I have before my physical
body gives up on me. My Spirit is strong, but now I'm faced with my very
own mortality. And I am terrified.

It's not death I fear. It's that I may die without being able to say
goodbye to my best and closest friend in the world, Deaer. It's that I
could have spent my earlier years looking into her curse, looking for the
truth behind the monster that controls her now. It's strange being in
love with a married woman and keeping those feelings silent. All I feel
for Deaer is despair that there's nothing I can do for her yet. For all
the blessings I've been given in my life, my mortality terrifies me that
I may lose the one person I've held closest in my thoughts to a monster I
thought -I- would become.

I have the Fortress now. I am an Acolyte, and I'm supposed to be a
shining example of Living Light... Yet I cannot say so casually that I
would give -anything- to have her back to the way she was, as I know that
in my desperation, I would do something foolish. At my core, I am still a
selfish, self-centered man. I feel possessed to help Deaer as she's
helped me over the years. I feel that if I do nothing, I've failed her.
And, in my moment of weakness, I am ashamed of myself.